Struggle

Dear Madonna

‘Borderline, feels like I’m going to lose my mind’

She sang, like she knew what she was singing about.

However, dear Madonna, that is not quite how it all works.

Let me explain why you are a fraud.

Borderline does not feel like you are about to lose your mind,

It feels like you’ve lost it ages ago,

and it suddenly shows again.

And not in a fun way though.

It’s never just the one thing either,

It always comes in chaos,

It is overwhelming, you can’t see clearly,

it just busts down any doors.

Doors in your mind you thought were safe,

Storing that trauma perfectly,

All getting bust down,

Showing all the ugly.

So no Madonna, it hasn’t got to do with anything,

that you sing about.

It has nothing to do with love,

it just comes over as one dark cloud.

Nothing cutesy, nothing to appreciate,

just hard work to keep it all together,

and for loved ones not to worry,

and just wait for sunny weather.

Heartbreak

Loveletter

You have been quiet,

as you should.

Cause we discussed,

that we would.

But now the thought of you

it’s lingering in my head.

What are you doing right now?

Are you just as upset?

I can’t send you a message,

Had to get rid of your number,

and for a while I was okay,

but now, once again, you slumber.

You are so far away,

but always right here,

like a bear hibernating,

unreachable, yet dangerously near.

I suppose this is it,

my loveletter to you.

In all those years,

Our love is still true.

I want to wish you the best,

I know that the best for me too,

but somehow it never really feels that way,

As my mind is still stuck on you.

I wish my loveletter could contain that wish,

a happy life, a great love, everything,

but somehow I can’t write those words,

I think about it, Fly On Little Wing.

Feels like I am walking through the clouds,

my mind being total all over the place,

Not just sadness, happy things too,

And sometimes a picture of your face.

I should leave you alone,

Riding the wind, just me,

This is simply how my brain works,

And why it will never be free.

I am alright though,

I do not care whatever you take,

Whatever space you need inside of me,

But let me have it, for heavens sake.

Please let me have my loveletter,

a small space just for that purpose,

It is my own little blessing,

and yet my own little curse.

Struggle

You chose you

I chose me, I’m sorry.

The words of Kendrick Lamar,

I don’t really hear them,

Cause my thoughts are a far.

Kendricks words are echoing in my brain,

But I can only think

You chose you, I’m sorry.

As I gaze at you, feeling your pain.

I am sorry that you chose you,

As it means that you chose no one else

When there is only room for you,

We can’t do much else.

I can only stand on the sideline,

Watching it all unfold,

Not asking how you are doing,

As so I have been told.

It’s hard to accept the destruction,

It’s not just hard to watch,

How do people cope with this,

When they love her so much.

You stand there, made up your mind,

My thoughts twisted and turned,

No matter what I do,

Either way I’ll get burned.

I just want to help you, make things easier,

But I can’t ask you how you feel,

So I just stand here in a corner,

I can’t ask you how to deal.

There is no solution to this,

The only way is to let you be,

Give you some space,

And hope soon you’ll feel free.

Free enough to let people in,

Not because they’d feel better,

Not to take the pain away,

But to just sit there next to you,

And show you you are loved.

Struggle

Walls up

You can talk to me,

You told her.

As a while from now no one will ask you

How you are doing.

My heart broke as I heard you speak

The girl that never wants to hear the question

So hey, how have you been?

The girl that even avoids the question at all times.

Later you told me you are so happy

That that guy that has not treated you well

Is so invested in your well-being

Asking you how you are doing, and really care about it too.

Dear friend,

I cry on the inside when you speak the words

Cause that same day I had this awful feeling all day

And I got the courage to finally ask you, hey how are you doing, knowing you would hate it.

And all I got was exactly what I expected.

Just a wall, a facade, saying haha I’m fine, you crazy

I can’t be there for my friend.

Not because I don’t want to

But because she won’t let me.

It’s up to her of course,

If she feels better confiding in Mr random,

Go ahead.

All I ask is don’t lie to me.

You know exactly what you are doing.

You can’t fool me

You are only fooling yourself.

And hurting me in the process.

For loving you and being by your side.

It’s not fair, and yet I can’t do anything about it.

Guess I’m just for fun.

Kinda like you were to that guy before

You now appreciate so much.

It’s all so contradictory

And it got me feeling handicapped, stupid, sad.

Telling myself this is just a phase,

Being debris in your devastating ways.

Struggle

Far away

You don t notice it,

The way I look at you lately,

Knowing you are not okay,

Feeling extra crazy.

You can t notice it anyway,

Your brain won t let you do that,

It’s stuck on you,

And I can t argue with that.

I feel you slipping,

But I can’t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I know shutting other people out,

Is just a way for you to cope,

And believe me, I am trying,

Trying really hard not to mope.

I worry about you,

but that’s not what you want to hear,

You don’t seem to need anyone,

Well, at least not anyone near.

I feel you slipping,

But I can t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I feel you slipping,

But you don’t accept anything,

So all I can do is to sit and wait,

trying to avoid that sting.

Heartbreak

Never forget

You needed to erase me

So you did.

I could only stand there

And I watched it all unfold.

The jealous girlfriend, ofcourse.

My life has suddenly changed.

It turned into a cliche

And not because I wanted it to.

You posted an object we bought,

With a text: never forget.

For a second I thought you meant me.

I was vain.

And I was sad,

Cause the words really hurt me.

But then there was the realization

It wasnt even about me.

Which is funny,

And pretty ironic,

As it had got to do with hashtags.

And guess what the object in the picture was.

It was all just a big fck you.

The love for you I have

Tries to tell me you did not mean it

Not that way, anyway.

But as the time goes by,

I can only feel more erased

By your silence.

And your ease.

May be it was even too much to ask

To not be forgotten.

As a lover,

But even as a friend.

Heartbreak

After the shards

A pizza box on the table,

A cold piece was there.

A stale piece.

No thanks.

I wish I had the guts to say that.

But I had to hear it from you.

I knew it was coming,

But I chose to keep my eyes shut.

Shut until the sands of time forced them open,

With only a silly pizza box.

A dish served cold.

A message served even colder.

It’s been so many years, so many,

And yet I’m still here.

Surrounded by shards of cardboard.

Searching for moving parts.

There should be one there.

One, at least.

Red, soft, pulsing…

Where is it?

Did I really lose it?

And you were just sitting there,

Watching as it happened.

Can it ever be found?

The wind is trying to blow the pieces away,

But I can still see a pizza box.

A boy and a girl, in a garden.

That would never be the same.

Heartbreak

Endship

A few months ago you were crying on my couch,

I listened, I gave advice, I was there for you,

you and her broke up and you were devastated.

but now you treat me as another one of your headaches.

I do not want anything romantic nor sexual from you.

I just want to have my friend in my life.

But I guess that would be a one way street forever,

as you seem to have met your future wife.

I’m just here being happy for you,

She seems awesome and you are so in love,

doing all the things you never want to do with me,

so I guess you must be happy.

However, happiness I know is different,

it means people are upbeat and extra friendly,

But you seem to have some kind of tunnel vision,

forgetting about others, our friendship is done.

I feel so stupid for ever believing,

exes could be friends.

Cause people keep telling me, showing me,

that I believe in things that cannot be.

Not wanting to play the tiniest violin,

I decided to speak up to you.

Multiple times, on multiple occasions, I tried,

but you only think I am trying to pick a fight.

Just telling my friend I miss him,

makes him angry and mad.

Because I am forcing him to feel guilty,

and with that you are making me feel filthy.

I know you think you are better than me,

in some ways you probably are,

but at least I tried to speak the words,

and tried to heal before things get worse.

Happiness

The door

Staring into your eyes in the hallway

The time keeps ticking

but I don’t even notice

Cause there is no thinking

There is no thinking when we stare

Just affection, and a whole lot of attraction

I push my lips onto yours,

My hand under your shirt, ready for action

Yet there is this door behind you

It’s waiting on either of our hands

To reach for the doorknob and open it

Instead of undoing eachothers pants

The door is right behind us in this hallway

but secretly it is in between us two

soon it will divide us

and I’ll have to go back to missing you

It got me wondering what is wrong

as I miss you after just a second

Is it that unfillable void on the inside

or is it just our extraordinary bond?

You, you are in my head, heart and mind

There is this feeling I simply need

Don’t want to miss out on you and my full self

Cause when you are around, I feel complete

Therapy

Not my own

Help.

Help me.

I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I’m trapped inside the mind of a lunatic.

Got me feeling all frantic.

Not acting like I should.

Not doing the best I could.

Help me.

For I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I am stuck in these thoughts, they’re tainted.

They are not like the perfect picture I had painted.

Emotions got me feeling a type of way,

running wild, now I don’t know what to say.

Save me.

For I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I don’t dear to speak out loud,

Too afraid of what comes out.

Could these feelings be the real me?

Or are they just that distorted part of me?

Save me.

Cause I’m trapped inside my mind.

A mind that is fully my own.