Struggle

Object Constancy

Out of sight, out of mind,

The moment when thoughts are no more kind.

It is easy pointing a finger

When dark feelings linger.

Feel the emptiness,

A body in distress,

A mind going dark,

A longing making its mark.

Knowing this ancient construct

Convincing myself I don’t get fucked

Not being succesful,

Just being stressful

Head and heart so far apart

A disconnect, where did it start?

Not with you, not with us,

It is a deeper issue with trust.

I don’t need to trust you,

I need to trust me.

You do not need to show,

I just need to know.

I can’t lean on myself for comfort,

I just see my feelings and the distort.

I don’t need to trust you,

I just need to get through.

Struggle

Unattainable

He is not what I want

Defenitely not what I need

But when I look into his eyes

I fall at his feet.

He is not the one for me

He is not even close

He does not act like he wants to be

I get his thorns, but who gets the rose?

Roses are beautiful,

but a bit less, when you realize they’re not for you

They belong to someone else

And that is your truth

You can look at them,

really take that beauty in

may be even feel the soft petals

knowing it may be a sin

Knowing you are getting yourself in trouble

Cause you know your eyes go soft

when they see that red velvet

mistaking it for love

Girl, don’t you know

Dealing with thorns won’t get you to the flower

As long as you get so weak around him

You’re just giving him all your power

You need that for you,

to make your rose bloom and grow

Create the reddest red

cause the right person will know.

Struggle

5 wishes

I’ve got five wishes

I want someone to be a loving person

I want them to be up for fun things

And not just that, but also to come up with fun things.

I want them to be clear to me, just answer me

And I want them to show a little effort.

Five wishes and yet it feels like too much

They don’t have to be gorgeous

They don’t have to buy me things

They don’t need to fix things for me

They don’t even have to want just me

I just want them to be a certain type of person

A little bit of me, but then able to love me more

Why does it feel so unattainable

Why does it feel like they don’t exist

I always saw myself as the low maintenance one

But may be that is just not want they want?

It’s just not me to be playing games

I refuse to wait 1.5 hours before texting someone back

I am not gonna ask a lot of a person, just to feel important

I will not make someone life difficult, just as a test

I don’t think that has to do anything with love

That’s possession, and I am not for that.

I just want to love someone

spend time with someone

and basically my wish is one: for someone to actually want to spend time with me too.

Struggle

My hands

Waiting for a text from you

An answer to the questions asked

but why do I read into it so much

As if every word from you is an answer to my love

There I said it: love.

Can we speak about such a thing though,

when it might just be control?

I want to wrap you all around my finger.

You however, just touch the tip of my pinky

and I run along with it

knowing how easily a connection is lost,

why don’t just hold my whole hand?

You do it when we are in public,

like I am your arm candy,

but when we text, I miss some of that sweetness,

I need some sugar from you, man.

To hold my hand like that

You gotta earn it

I am not sure if you are there yet

But you make me feel so proud when you do, that I forget

I am proud to enter a room with you

I feel relief when you kiss me

But then again, you kinda diss me,

at moments that matter too

It’s not in my hands,

it’s in yours.

Your big, strong hands,

That have wrapped me all around them all along.

It’s like a chokehold and I can’t let go,

If even I wanted to, I am stuck with you

Or rather, with me and the obsession with us two

Cause I am just not that strong.

Struggle

The power

I didn’t give you my heart,

But I gave you my power.

The problem is not in you having it,

It’s in you knowing it.

I have tried to hide it,

I have been having conversations with myself,

Saying ‘Don’t go there now’

But here I am, being weak as I am.

I thought I was stronger,

Convinced I had it all under control.

Even thought I was untouchable,

but one look at you and there I was.

From unbreakable to breakable

From tough as nails to soft as butter

And the funny thing about it all,

is that I am not even sure I mind it.

Isn’t it a beautiful thing to still dare to do this?

It might be, but it why does it feel so stupid?

Why do I feel so lost without my power,

Why do I feel so lost in you?

It is not love, for it cannot be,

It is obsession, it is not free.

But boy, when I put my eyes on you,

I feel my warmth wanting to seep through.

That warmth turns cold once you disappear,

I start getting right into my head again,

My mind is all over you,

Whilst it should be all over me.

Should I wait for you to let go?

Or should I myself make it so,

that I can be free again, free from you,

Though at this moment it’s the last thing I wish to do.

Heartbreak, Struggle

Alone

I am alone

Just at home

Waiting by the phone

I can’t get in the zone

I can only wait

while I am dealing with this hate

with the thoughts my brain can create

when you are late

I just sit here

Trying to steer

To have no fear

About you not being near

I don’t know what to do

when you don’t come through

and my thoughts ain’t true

putting a darkness around you

I know I should not

actually believe in that thought

but sometimes it becomes so hard

when we are apart.

Struggle

Dear Madonna

‘Borderline, feels like I’m going to lose my mind’

She sang, like she knew what she was singing about.

However, dear Madonna, that is not quite how it all works.

Let me explain why you are a fraud.

Borderline does not feel like you are about to lose your mind,

It feels like you’ve lost it ages ago,

and it suddenly shows again.

And not in a fun way though.

It’s never just the one thing either,

It always comes in chaos,

It is overwhelming, you can’t see clearly,

it just busts down any doors.

Doors in your mind you thought were safe,

Storing that trauma perfectly,

All getting bust down,

Showing all the ugly.

So no Madonna, it hasn’t got to do with anything,

that you sing about.

It has nothing to do with love,

it just comes over as one dark cloud.

Nothing cutesy, nothing to appreciate,

just hard work to keep it all together,

and for loved ones not to worry,

and just wait for sunny weather.

Heartbreak

Loveletter

You have been quiet,

as you should.

Cause we discussed,

that we would.

But now the thought of you

it’s lingering in my head.

What are you doing right now?

Are you just as upset?

I can’t send you a message,

Had to get rid of your number,

and for a while I was okay,

but now, once again, you slumber.

You are so far away,

but always right here,

like a bear hibernating,

unreachable, yet dangerously near.

I suppose this is it,

my loveletter to you.

In all those years,

Our love is still true.

I want to wish you the best,

I know that the best for me too,

but somehow it never really feels that way,

As my mind is still stuck on you.

I wish my loveletter could contain that wish,

a happy life, a great love, everything,

but somehow I can’t write those words,

I think about it, Fly On Little Wing.

Feels like I am walking through the clouds,

my mind being total all over the place,

Not just sadness, happy things too,

And sometimes a picture of your face.

I should leave you alone,

Riding the wind, just me,

This is simply how my brain works,

And why it will never be free.

I am alright though,

I do not care whatever you take,

Whatever space you need inside of me,

But let me have it, for heavens sake.

Please let me have my loveletter,

a small space just for that purpose,

It is my own little blessing,

and yet my own little curse.

Struggle

You chose you

I chose me, I’m sorry.

The words of Kendrick Lamar,

I don’t really hear them,

Cause my thoughts are a far.

Kendricks words are echoing in my brain,

But I can only think

You chose you, I’m sorry.

As I gaze at you, feeling your pain.

I am sorry that you chose you,

As it means that you chose no one else

When there is only room for you,

We can’t do much else.

I can only stand on the sideline,

Watching it all unfold,

Not asking how you are doing,

As so I have been told.

It’s hard to accept the destruction,

It’s not just hard to watch,

How do people cope with this,

When they love her so much.

You stand there, made up your mind,

My thoughts twisted and turned,

No matter what I do,

Either way I’ll get burned.

I just want to help you, make things easier,

But I can’t ask you how you feel,

So I just stand here in a corner,

I can’t ask you how to deal.

There is no solution to this,

The only way is to let you be,

Give you some space,

And hope soon you’ll feel free.

Free enough to let people in,

Not because they’d feel better,

Not to take the pain away,

But to just sit there next to you,

And show you you are loved.

Struggle

Walls up

You can talk to me,

You told her.

As a while from now no one will ask you

How you are doing.

My heart broke as I heard you speak

The girl that never wants to hear the question

So hey, how have you been?

The girl that even avoids the question at all times.

Later you told me you are so happy

That that guy that has not treated you well

Is so invested in your well-being

Asking you how you are doing, and really care about it too.

Dear friend,

I cry on the inside when you speak the words

Cause that same day I had this awful feeling all day

And I got the courage to finally ask you, hey how are you doing, knowing you would hate it.

And all I got was exactly what I expected.

Just a wall, a facade, saying haha I’m fine, you crazy

I can’t be there for my friend.

Not because I don’t want to

But because she won’t let me.

It’s up to her of course,

If she feels better confiding in Mr random,

Go ahead.

All I ask is don’t lie to me.

You know exactly what you are doing.

You can’t fool me

You are only fooling yourself.

And hurting me in the process.

For loving you and being by your side.

It’s not fair, and yet I can’t do anything about it.

Guess I’m just for fun.

Kinda like you were to that guy before

You now appreciate so much.

It’s all so contradictory

And it got me feeling handicapped, stupid, sad.

Telling myself this is just a phase,

Being debris in your devastating ways.