Heartbreak

Endship

A few months ago you were crying on my couch,

I listened, I gave advice, I was there for you,

you and her broke up and you were devastated.

but now you treat me as another one of your headaches.

I do not want anything romantic nor sexual from you.

I just want to have my friend in my life.

But I guess that would be a one way street forever,

as you seem to have met your future wife.

I’m just here being happy for you, 

She seems awesome and you are so in love,

doing all the things you never want to do with me,

so I guess you must be happy.

However, happiness I know is different,

it means people are upbeat and extra friendly,

But you seem to have some kind of tunnel vision,

forgetting about others, our friendship is done.

I feel so stupid for ever believing,

exes could be friends.

Cause people keep telling me, showing me,

that I believe in things that cannot be.

Not wanting to play the tiniest violin,

I decided to speak up to you.

Multiple times, on multiple occasions, I tried,

but you only think I am trying to pick a fight.

Just telling my friend I miss him,

makes him angry and mad.

Because I am forcing him to feel guilty,

and with that you are making me feel filthy.

I know you think you are better than me,

in some ways you probably are,

but at least I tried to speak the words,

and tried to heal before things get worse.

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Happiness

The door

Staring into your eyes in the hallway

The time keeps ticking

but I don’t even notice

Cause there is no thinking

There is no thinking when we stare

Just affection, and a whole lot of attraction

I push my lips onto yours,

My hand under your shirt, ready for action

Yet there is this door behind you

It’s waiting on either of our hands

To reach for the doorknob and open it

Instead of undoing eachothers pants

The door is right behind us in this hallway

but secretly it is in between us two

soon it will divide us

and I’ll have to go back to missing you

It got me wondering what is wrong

as I miss you after just a second

Is it that unfillable void on the inside

or is it just our extraordinary bond?

You, you are in my head, heart and mind

There is this feeling I simply need

Don’t want to miss out on you and my full self

Cause when you are around, I feel complete

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Therapy

Not my own

Help.

Help me.

I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I’m trapped inside the mind of a lunatic.

Got me feeling all frantic.

Not acting like I should.

Not doing the best I could.

Help me.

For I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I am stuck in these thoughts, they’re tainted.

They are not like the perfect picture I had painted.

Emotions got me feeling a type of way,

running wild, now I don’t know what to say.

Save me.

For I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I don’t dear to speak out loud,

Too afraid of what comes out.

Could these feelings be the real me?

Or are they just that distorted part of me?

Save me.

Cause I’m trapped inside my mind.

A mind that is fully my own.

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Happiness

Freeze

You are so amazing,

yet you don’t even know.

Whenever I look at you,

I get anxiety,

Cause you will walk out that door.

You will walk out that door,

whenever you’ll know,

how I feel about you,

As I love you so.

It’s not the standard stuff that makes me love you,

It’s just looking at you.

Seeing your beauty, your ambition,

and your drive to make things right,

You’re such a strong person, with so much fight.

It’s amazing to me, how you offer so much love,

Even though you have missed out on that,

How you behave, how you act, how you carry yourself,

though you haven’t had a great example.

How do you do that, so amazingly,

Everytime it impresses me.

I love you, but there is so much more.

I appreciate you, as the person you are.

Makes me want to be around you all the time,

I feel complete when you are here.

In just a few weeks you have become so dear.

You are so dear to me, sometimes I struggle,

Sometimes I want everything to just freeze,

To give me a bit more time to take it all in,

To allow for my brain to not go for that weird spin,

But to know how to make you feel loved.

Love is all that you deserve,

Just love, hugs, and kisses.

I wish all the best for you,

And I would love to give it,

But if not, at least I had the freeze,

So I can go back to this moment and relive it.

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Struggle

Killer thoughts



The lights are off,
I am alone,
In my room, it’s dark.
Just like my thoughts.

These are things I think whenever you are not here.
Maybe because you are not here.
Things that make my heart stop,
Nearly at least, as I am still here.

My eyes can’t stop tearing up,
Selftorture that no one gets to see
As I sit here, alone.
With my thoughts, dark.

Hurting yourself with a knife
Might be something odd,
But nearly killing yourself by simply thinking,
That really is something else.

It’s great to have this though,
A little safe space,
Just to have thoughts,
That no one gets to see.

No matter where you are,
No matter if you are with me.


(2004)

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Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

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Struggle, Therapy

Lestat

Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before

I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.

Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.

I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.

You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.

So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.

I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.

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Happiness

Lioness

I used to know you,

just a little, not too much

We’d hang out,

and casually stayed in touch..

 

Something I couldn’t do at the time.

I wanted someone just for me.

But now I realize that this is something 

we could never be.

 

You are lovely.

I tend to forget.

Cause you are vague.

And just a friend.

 

Just another dude in my life

A friend with a benefit,

Someone to just Netflix and chill,

Someone to casually be with.

 

I used to think I could not do it

But I used to think you were odd,

Now I have never been more ready,

Though I still like you, a lot.

 

I do not need you as the only one,

But I do need some acknowledgement,

We are nothing, but we are special,

Somehow you are not just a friend.

 

You can’t be, cause you are beautiful,

When I look at you, I feel like a lioness,

Your beautiful face looking up at me,

Your hands that simply know how to caress.

 

There is so much love between us,

And yet there is nothing at all,

Not knowing where this is headed,

but both prepared to take the fall. 

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Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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