Undeserved

You came home, happy to see me.

I looked at you, not happy to be me.

Cause I knew what I had to do,

And I was about to lose you.

 

Even when I spoke the words out loud,

There was still a shadow of a doubt,

You did not deserve this treatment,

of being made redundant.

 

Together with the words, tears started to pour,

As this hurted us both, straight to the core.

You did not respond the way I expected,

You made sure my feelings weren’t neglected.

 

You started to comfort me,

probably not having to deal with yourself, I see.

As tears rolled down your chin,

I felt like washing myself from sin.

 

The relief I felt about tell you,

Was expected, but not fully true.

I felt the pain more than I’d imagined,

and you took it better than I had reckoned.

 

Now it is upto the hands of time,

To see if somewhow you are still mine,

Not just my own, but someone close, 

That is what I’d love the most.

 

I am not in any position to have any say,

I know that I fucked that up that day.

I just hope you will be a happy man,

with or without me holding your hand.

 

Not reliable

“Finally”, you sighed,

“everything is back to normal again”,

It had indeed been hectic,

But that is basically my life, my friend.

 

You wanted something to hold on to tightly,

Something to trust,

But I was checking out quietly.

Realizing what was my curse.

 

I can’t be stable, it’s just not me,

When I get stuck,

when I feel stuck,

All I want is to be free.

 

I am not treating you right by wanting this,

I know I am not, I know,

But this big old hole, it’s still in my heart,

cause there’s something I miss.

 

Something that will make me incomplete,

something that should have been there,

Maybe it’s unmendable,

Maybe it makes me obsolete.

 

It is hard to make this so much about my feelings,

Cause it will affect you,

Just like it will affect anyone around me,

And how to handle it, I have no clue.

Everything and nothing

You have my all,

and yet we are nothing.

I constantly have you on my mind,

and yet you aren’t here, sweet thing.

 

I should be concerned, cause this is not real,

I should be somewhere else with my mind,

But yet it wonders off, all the time.

To a place that is pretty hard to find.

 

I am just here, all alone,

even when surrounded by people, all of my friends,

people important to me,

But here I am, small, no defense.

 

I keep on crawling back, back into myself,

At the same time not daring to really look at me,

To really feel the things I am supposed to feel,

I am afraid of the things I’ll see.

 

You are my everything, yet I am nothing to you,

I am your one true love, yet I have been lonely.

You have this amazing mind, but at the same time it seems to be blind,

you hold my heart in a chokehold, while also telling it to be free.

Cold and empty

You seem distracted,

Somethings definitely off,

I feel a tension arise within me,

the emptiness, the lack of love.

 

I can be pretty sensitive too, you know,

When it has started, it is done,

I noticed you stopped reaching,

and I can’t seem to overcome,

 

You mean way too much to me,
You have my heart in total control,

but on the other side there’s you,

your silence crushes my soul.

 

The warmth I feel for you,

it starts to fade away,

the cold is setting in,

I wish you’d just stay.

 

I haven’t even spoken to you,

but I know something is wrong,

I am counting the seconds until the end,

afraid of that moment you’ll be gone.

 

I am not sure if I can handle this,

this cold is just a little too familiar,

I can’t believe I am at this point again,

how could I’ve let things gone this far?

Comfort in scars

When I hear that song,

you know which one.

My mind goes places,

and my heart is gone.

 

Cause it makes me think of your face,

and it cuts deep within,

you beautiful smile,

that was really something.

 

It felt magical to be with you,

but pretty heartwrenching at the same time,

cause I gave you my all,

and yet you could not be mine.

 

And now I only have your music to remember,

The scars on my body will stay for many years,

they comfort me as they remind me of you,

and yet, they have caused me so many tears.

 

In a way they are the greatest comfort there is,

when I made them, but also carrying them all,

they also show the pain you have caused me,

and how it felt to take the fall.

 

They comfort me more than you can these days,

You are distant, though it is written in the stars,

I love you forever, even if it stays unanswered,

I will always find comfort, comfort in my scars.

Love seduction

We have been hanging out for a few months,

never really trying to be anything,

but yet there is this label thing we need to get through,

cause what if I am not your everything?

 

At first I was fine with just hanging out,

I enjoyed your company, really,

and you’ve enjoyed mine too,

but inside of me grew a feeling of possibility.

 

My mind went on a dangerous path,

the way you would caress my neck,

started to feel like something other,

than me pushing my fingernails into your back.

 

A game began of push and pull,

I was reading your intentions wrong,

while you were constantly thinking for me,

and yet amidst it all, my feelings were growing strong.

 

Now I find myself on the couch,

not able to concentrate one bit,

how can something feel so tragic,

when we seem to be an amazing fit?

 

I wish we could stay in our bubble forever,

waking up together, so relaxed,

watching your eyes watch mine,

when we are around each other, it’s fine.

 

But at some point I have to leave,

and lately I notice myself that I stay,

in this weird loving state,

but you do not want me that way.

 

Days go by and I do not hear a thing,

and then those bad feelings start to kick in,

How can one be so loving and yet so distant?

Dumb girl, this has been this way since the beginning.

 

I just fail to see it somehow,

blinded by the seduction that is called love,

while I know exactly what is what,

yet my heart can’t get enough.

 

Over the edge

You were supposed to come by in the afternoon,

but I decided to ask you to come in the night,

cause the night is beautiful,

when everything is dark and the stars are bright.

 

You must have wanted to see me too,

As soon as you came in the door,

I felt a peace come over me,

I was so nervous before.

 

There is something comforting in your eyes,

and yet something that makes me sad,

I long for so much more of you,

but I shouldn’t, cause it is bad.

 

We had a few drinks, before we went upstairs,

We laid so close together under the cover,

I felt your breath on my face.

and I was so glad to be your lover.

 

Something about you makes me long for more,

The way our bodies connected,

The way you look at me, holding me,

it is so hard not to be infected.

 

A perfect night turned into a perfect weekend,

You lay on my bed on a lazy Sunday morning,

I made us breakfast, you were playing a game,

and my heart instantly forgot about the warning.

 

Don’t fall for this guy, broken girl, don’t do it.

It was too late, way too late,

Just seeing your body, hearing you talk,

It all makes me feel so great.

 

I ran a hot bath, for us to be extra lazy,

And as soon as we sat down, you closed your eyes,

You were enjoying this as much as I was,

was this love in some awful, wrong disguise?

 

I am over the edge, and it will kill me,

cause you are not ready to feel the same,

and you will break my heart, unintentionally,

and I am the one to blame.

 

I had been warned before,

I knew I was going too far, my heart was blind,

but that perfect weekend together,

will never leave my mind.

Offboarding

You checked out.

Before the plane had even landed.

We did not even fly that high,

But you got scared and wanted to offboard.

Didn’t you know this was against the rules?

There is a reason no one is offered a parachute in an airplane.

You do not just jump out,

when you go down, you go down together.

And when you fly high, you fly high together.

But I guess we never really did, did we?

Coward

All this time I have been alone.
And yet you doubt if you want to break up with me,
because you are afraid you might be lonely.
Like you were before you met me.

I can guarantee you will be,
Just like I was, all those years when I was with you.
Now I am done, and I am happy,
Cause now I am going to do me.

No matter how solo my dinners will be
No matter how many times I will visit the cinema alone,
I will never be lonely ever again,
Cause I have always taken care of people, the way you never could.

And I will always take care of myself, the way you never would.
Like any wonderful woman on this planet, I deserve the best,
So good luck with the rest of your life,
I am sure this turn of events you would have never guessed.

You are always way too busy with your own shit,
You did not even know that you were falling out of love,
But you know, the saddest bit,
is that you don’t realize what you are losing until it’s long gone.

And now you do not say a word.
You drop a bomb, but yet you are unwilling to take care of the victims,
Unwilling, unable perhaps?
Cowardly you await, until I make the final cut.

Bloody Mary

You always thought the cuts weren’t so deep,

But the physical scars are just the top,

There is a whole mountain of pain and suffering beneath,

But here’s where I ask you to stop.

You can’t help me, even if you would try,

Not that you will, but I just don’t want you to feel bad about it.

This is me, this is all I have ever been,

It is a sad story, but you don’t see me cry.