Struggle

Killer thoughts



The lights are off,
I am alone,
In my room, it’s dark.
Just like my thoughts.

These are things I think whenever you are not here.
Maybe because you are not here.
Things that make my heart stop,
Nearly at least, as I am still here.

My eyes can’t stop tearing up,
Selftorture that no one gets to see
As I sit here, alone.
With my thoughts, dark.

Hurting yourself with a knife
Might be something odd,
But nearly killing yourself by simply thinking,
That really is something else.

It’s great to have this though,
A little safe space,
Just to have thoughts,
That no one gets to see.

No matter where you are,
No matter if you are with me.


(2004)

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Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

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Struggle, Therapy

Lestat

Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before

I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.

Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.

I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.

You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.

So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.

I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.

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Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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Struggle, Therapy

Attention

Always looking, thinking its there,

This sense of being loved,

And yet never really believing it,

Which is so unfair.

 

It is not just unfair to me,

as I need to keep looking,

doing my best, giving my all,

not really letting other people be.

 

I ask so much, the cup is never full,

Do you think you can keep up?

No matter how much you will push,

Here I am, ready to pull.

 

Many have tried before you, dear,

Tried to make me feel the love,

Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,

But I can’t let go of this fear.

 

It seems impossible to give myself away,

just as impossible as it is to connect,

No matter how perfect you may be,

Somehow I can never stay.

 

I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,

As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,

Always needing other people,

Without them swiftly growing colder.

 

I should let my self love blossom,

like a pretty flower within,

but I can’t even create a seed,

nothing to pour this water on.

 

I am working on it, I know,

I need it for me, but mostly for you,

Can’t be treating people like this no more,

But what if it will never grow?

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Struggle, Therapy

Thunder

It’s thunder season,

The hot days end with rain pouring,

Couldn’t be more accurate,

as you will be gone in the morning.

 

People always say:

aren’t you afraid of the thunder?

Not the weather my friend,

it’s my brain going under.

 

Like the headache that pops up,

whenever there is lightning ahead,

I can predict my emotions,

I know that I am gonna be bad.

 

I am going to be a sad woman,

curled up in her little room,

not knowing what to do with these emotions,

getting overwhelmed by doom.

 

I am uncomfortably unable,

to deal with the thunder within me,

I know it is coming,

yet I don’t know how to deal.

 

Knowing is the first step to getting better,

Pretty words that mean nothing to me now,

Cause I am close to the end of the line,

about to jump and drown.

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Struggle

The buildup

Everything is fine, until its not.

Until one little thing ticks her off.

Is it really her though?

 

It only needs one thing to start the chain reaction

One thing to let the domino’s fall.

One by one.

 

But the domino’s go faster,

so fast they start to heat up.

So fast they burn.

 

Unstoppable, they just go on,

The fire destroys everything in its way

It only takes a few seconds.

 

Everything is burnt down, black,

Leaving behind this nothingness.

Like an empty field where nothing can grow.

 

And in this burnt down place,

there is a girl screaming,

not understanding what just happened.

 

As if she is not really there,

even though she feels those domino’s fall,

one by one.

 

She feels the fire from within,

But yet she chooses to wash in sin,

Can she do nothing but give in?

 

She can only look back,

It’s too late to set them up straight,

They are gone now.

 

She can only look at the blackness

The blackness they left behind

And again start a fight against more dominos coming.

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Struggle

No control

You are sitting across the room,

Eyes wide open, scared a bit.

So many thoughts going through your head,

but yet, you can’t turn them around.

into something positive.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many things taunting the soul.

There are so many things I can’t control,

Even myself, as I am feeling awful.

 

You are uncomfortable with yourself,

Ashamed, not knowing how to act.

Though you being you is all the world wants.

And you being you is all you need.

So many roadblocks along your way.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

I do not wish to play this role.

There are so many things I can’t control,

I wish you knew you are beautiful.

 

I admire you for how you work your way through life,

Though I also see you struggle constantly.

So many people you want to please,

Trying hard to wear this mask.

I see right through you.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

So many things damaging the soul,

There are so many things I can’t control.

I cannot seem to reach you, at all.

 

I understand you have been hurt in the past,

but don’t you see your hurt,

reflecting in those eyes you are staring at?

Or are you just glaring over?

Afraid of the past.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many little moments you stole.

There are so many things I can’t control.

I did so much time but I’m still on parole.

 

Whenever you shut me out,

It is your hurt that is projecting on me.

I tried so hard, but I am so tired.

And you are too, yet you don’t give in.

How long will you continue on like this?

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

I can’t even control how things affect me,

There are so many things I can’t control,

I must work harder to be free.

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Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

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Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

 

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

 

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

 

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

 

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

 

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

 

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

 

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

 

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

 

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

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