Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

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Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

 

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

 

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

 

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

 

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

 

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

 

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

 

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

 

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

 

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Struggle

Not my part

In my life I got to play,
my fair share of roles,
Whatever someone needed,
I tried to be that or something close.

 

Now that I am being myself,
a little bit more, day by day,
there is something I can’t seem to shake,
there is a role I cannot play.

 

There is something I cannot do for you,
You need it so bad and I know,
I want to be there, make you feel good,
but at the moment you are too low.

 

It is so hard cause I want to pick you up,
Make you feel high,
See you as the amazing girl you are,
Knowing that I can’t makes me want to cry.

 

Please know I’ll do everything in my power,
To make you feel like the special girl you are,
I wish you the world,
And I feel so strongly that you will get far.

 

If I can help you get there,
It would be my honor,
I wish you would not worry so much,
I wish you didn’t have to bother.

 

I am standing on the sideline,
I want to take the pain away,
Do anything to make you feel better
Even leave if you need someone else to stay,

 

You deserve so much more than,
what this world has to offer,
I just wish the world would hand it to you,
so you did not have to suffer.

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Struggle

Faith?

Well, I guess it would be nice
If you would stop popping up
You don’t even know,
But you’re still in my head, just stop.

 

I know not everybody has got a body like you,
One that will push itself against someone else,
A person saying no, crying.
While you knew exactly how she felt.

 

But I gotta think twice,
Cause I can’t seem to get over this,
And the way you handled it,
And the things about you I still miss.

 

I know all the games you play,
Cause now I gotta play them too.
I must become someone else,
To free my brain from those parts of you.

 

I need some time off from that emotion,
Just so I can actually feel again,
Start being real again,
Start having healthy relationships with men.

 

Time to pick my heart up off the floor,
To take back what is mine,
Which has been yours for too long,
To honestly say I’m fine.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can do it all by myself,
I might need some help from others,
But not you, that’d be bad for my health.

 

I gotta have faith,
Cause my river has become an ocean,
Not made for crushing you,
But for crushing what happened then.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can free myself from the memory,
Reprogram my brain with some help,
And make for a much better story.

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Struggle

Whole

Sometimes I feel I left a piece of me inside you.
I didn’t leave it there because I wanted to.
Not sure it was on purpose at all.
All I know is there is this part of me, you carry with you.

You probably don’t even know it’s there.
There might never be a day you’ll think of it, discover it.
All I know is it is stuck with you,
And it is lost in me.

I left a piece of who I am,
A small bit of how I feel.
A fragment of my identity.
so many emotions, there are there.

They live in a place I’ll never reach.
And they are missing, I feel it.
I feel them not being there.
they were lost along the way.

I miss her. I miss that girl when she still was a whole.
I long for her to be back one day,
So I can feel again, breathe again.
Live again, with all the colors other people see.

I don’t get to see them now.
And you might be using them
Using them to live your life in full HD,
as you should.

It’s so easy to be reminded of them
cause they are so alive
they flutter like a thousand butterflies
with wings cutting me as they left.

Sometimes I’ll think about it
What if we were friends again.
How much I miss not only that part of me,
But also that past of us.

I know its gone, and in your case forgotten,
But I think about it often, as my mind will remind me.
Remind me of all these feelings, vibrating to get out,
To leave you and come back to me. To wonder and finally be free.

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Struggle

Little lamb

Big eyes, looking at me,

expecting the world,

blinded by butterflies,

you are done being free.

 

I indulge myself in your love,

Addicted by your attention,

Knowing I’m doing you wrong,

But I can’t get enough.

 

You are like a lamb, so innocent,

cute and sweet,

Yet your way to the slaughterhouse.

I am not your friend.

 

I am taking you to this place of death,

I should be nothing to you,

Yet you keep looking at me, filled with love,

And to me that’s crystal meth.

 

A toxic affair, in love you fell,

You should not have cause I hold your leash,

Cant you tell I walk you to the butcher,

Frustrated with you, the urge to yell.

 

Break free and run through the woods,

Leave while you still can,

I am about to eat you alive,

and I am just damaged goods.

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Struggle

So close now

It started off as this thing,

we did just for fun,

but what I did not know then

is how things had only just begun.

 

You said there were no butterflies,
and I wasn’t sure if I should care,
my heart has been broken into a million pieces,

and then you were there.

 

Our start might have been a bit rocky,

though we were always good,

there were so many question marks,

until we both understood.

 

Two people that want to be together,

should just follow their hearts,

even if there is just mutual adoration,

and not some true love in the cards.

 

Now we have been together for a few months,

and we are growing closer, it shows,

even people around us notice our relationship,

as we stand together through highs and lows.

 

This will not be forever,

And you will find bigger love for certain,

until that time I will be here,

enjoying every moment, til destiny closes the curtain.

 

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Struggle

Trapped because of you

I woke up in the middle of the night,

It seemed I had been sleeping on your arm,
Yet you were laying there so peacefully,
waiting for your morning alarm.

 

You seems so comfortable around me,

It sometimes makes me jealous,

I wish I could feel so at ease with this,
but you still make me a bit nervous.


I notice it when I look at you too long,
I can sense the butterflies waking up,

Your beautiful face, my feelings so strong,
They are dangerous but I can’t make them stop.

You are a risk to me,
Something that I should avoid like the plague,

and yet something that I feel so connected with,

while also being very vague.

 

I do not want to avoid you at all,

Just to be there with you is what I long for,

you are making this nearly impossible,

windows won’t open when you close this door.

 

I feel trapped inside myself,

but yet it all is because of you,

you are a gift and a curse,

in a love that can’t be true.

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Struggle

Supposed to be friends

You were just a friend.
Not even mine,
But there was something about you,
That gave me a piece of mind.

You were just a friend,
when our eyes met at her place,
I tried not think too much into it,
But it was written all over my face.

You were just a friend.
When we started texting on a daily basis,
our conversations intensified,
and I wondered what it was.

You were just a friend.
When you asked me out for a drink,
My heart was screaming out yes,
but then, what would my boyfriend think?

You were just a friend.
When you confused me with your awesomeness,
Cause you kept telling me beautiful words,
warm things that felt like a soft caress.

 

You were just a friend.
When I tried to not fall for you,
When I tried so hard not to be that girl,
who in the end did not come through.

You were just a friend.
When our lips met at the train station,
When I just decided we had to stay friends,
Your lips made me feel like vacation.

You were just a friend.
When you dared to kiss me again,
And when I kissed you back passionately,
I realized you could not be my friend.

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