Category Archives: Struggle

Struggle

The power

I didn’t give you my heart,

But I gave you my power.

The problem is not in you having it,

It’s in you knowing it.

I have tried to hide it,

I have been having conversations with myself,

Saying ‘Don’t go there now’

But here I am, being weak as I am.

I thought I was stronger,

Convinced I had it all under control.

Even thought I was untouchable,

but one look at you and there I was.

From unbreakable to breakable

From tough as nails to soft as butter

And the funny thing about it all,

is that I am not even sure I mind it.

Isn’t it a beautiful thing to still dare to do this?

It might be, but it why does it feel so stupid?

Why do I feel so lost without my power,

Why do I feel so lost in you?

It is not love, for it cannot be,

It is obsession, it is not free.

But boy, when I put my eyes on you,

I feel my warmth wanting to seep through.

That warmth turns cold once you disappear,

I start getting right into my head again,

My mind is all over you,

Whilst it should be all over me.

Should I wait for you to let go?

Or should I myself make it so,

that I can be free again, free from you,

Though at this moment it’s the last thing I wish to do.

Standard
Heartbreak, Struggle

Alone

I am alone

Just at home

Waiting by the phone

I can’t get in the zone

I can only wait

while I am dealing with this hate

with the thoughts my brain can create

when you are late

I just sit here

Trying to steer

To have no fear

About you not being near

I don’t know what to do

when you don’t come through

and my thoughts ain’t true

putting a darkness around you

I know I should not

actually believe in that thought

but sometimes it becomes so hard

when we are apart.

Standard
Struggle

Dear Madonna

‘Borderline, feels like I’m going to lose my mind’

She sang, like she knew what she was singing about.

However, dear Madonna, that is not quite how it all works.

Let me explain why you are a fraud.

Borderline does not feel like you are about to lose your mind,

It feels like you’ve lost it ages ago,

and it suddenly shows again.

And not in a fun way though.

It’s never just the one thing either,

It always comes in chaos,

It is overwhelming, you can’t see clearly,

it just busts down any doors.

Doors in your mind you thought were safe,

Storing that trauma perfectly,

All getting bust down,

Showing all the ugly.

So no Madonna, it hasn’t got to do with anything,

that you sing about.

It has nothing to do with love,

it just comes over as one dark cloud.

Nothing cutesy, nothing to appreciate,

just hard work to keep it all together,

and for loved ones not to worry,

and just wait for sunny weather.

Standard
Struggle

You chose you

I chose me, I’m sorry.

The words of Kendrick Lamar,

I don’t really hear them,

Cause my thoughts are a far.

Kendricks words are echoing in my brain,

But I can only think

You chose you, I’m sorry.

As I gaze at you, feeling your pain.

I am sorry that you chose you,

As it means that you chose no one else

When there is only room for you,

We can’t do much else.

I can only stand on the sideline,

Watching it all unfold,

Not asking how you are doing,

As so I have been told.

It’s hard to accept the destruction,

It’s not just hard to watch,

How do people cope with this,

When they love her so much.

You stand there, made up your mind,

My thoughts twisted and turned,

No matter what I do,

Either way I’ll get burned.

I just want to help you, make things easier,

But I can’t ask you how you feel,

So I just stand here in a corner,

I can’t ask you how to deal.

There is no solution to this,

The only way is to let you be,

Give you some space,

And hope soon you’ll feel free.

Free enough to let people in,

Not because they’d feel better,

Not to take the pain away,

But to just sit there next to you,

And show you you are loved.

Standard
Struggle

Walls up

You can talk to me,

You told her.

As a while from now no one will ask you

How you are doing.

My heart broke as I heard you speak

The girl that never wants to hear the question

So hey, how have you been?

The girl that even avoids the question at all times.

Later you told me you are so happy

That that guy that has not treated you well

Is so invested in your well-being

Asking you how you are doing, and really care about it too.

Dear friend,

I cry on the inside when you speak the words

Cause that same day I had this awful feeling all day

And I got the courage to finally ask you, hey how are you doing, knowing you would hate it.

And all I got was exactly what I expected.

Just a wall, a facade, saying haha I’m fine, you crazy

I can’t be there for my friend.

Not because I don’t want to

But because she won’t let me.

It’s up to her of course,

If she feels better confiding in Mr random,

Go ahead.

All I ask is don’t lie to me.

You know exactly what you are doing.

You can’t fool me

You are only fooling yourself.

And hurting me in the process.

For loving you and being by your side.

It’s not fair, and yet I can’t do anything about it.

Guess I’m just for fun.

Kinda like you were to that guy before

You now appreciate so much.

It’s all so contradictory

And it got me feeling handicapped, stupid, sad.

Telling myself this is just a phase,

Being debris in your devastating ways.

Standard
Struggle

Far away

You don t notice it,

The way I look at you lately,

Knowing you are not okay,

Feeling extra crazy.

You can t notice it anyway,

Your brain won t let you do that,

It’s stuck on you,

And I can t argue with that.

I feel you slipping,

But I can’t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I know shutting other people out,

Is just a way for you to cope,

And believe me, I am trying,

Trying really hard not to mope.

I worry about you,

but that’s not what you want to hear,

You don’t seem to need anyone,

Well, at least not anyone near.

I feel you slipping,

But I can t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I feel you slipping,

But you don’t accept anything,

So all I can do is to sit and wait,

trying to avoid that sting.

Standard
Struggle

Killer thoughts



The lights are off,
I am alone,
In my room, it’s dark.
Just like my thoughts.

These are things I think whenever you are not here.
Maybe because you are not here.
Things that make my heart stop,
Nearly at least, as I am still here.

My eyes can’t stop tearing up,
Selftorture that no one gets to see
As I sit here, alone.
With my thoughts, dark.

Hurting yourself with a knife
Might be something odd,
But nearly killing yourself by simply thinking,
That really is something else.

It’s great to have this though,
A little safe space,
Just to have thoughts,
That no one gets to see.

No matter where you are,
No matter if you are with me.


(2004)

Standard
Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

Standard
Struggle, Therapy

Lestat

Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before

I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.

Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.

I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.

You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.

So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.

I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.

Standard
Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

Standard