Therapy

Hey girl

Hey girl,

I see you,

sitting there,

worrying.

 

It’s not you, you know.

It’s not in your hands.

You can’t control everything

You can’t control anything.

 

Try to take things as they are, girl

You worrying won’t change a thing

Don’t be afraid of your feelings,

Even if they get hurt.

 

Later you will live,

and live to the fullest,

Love, and love to the fullest

because of those feelings, girl.

 

Stop thinking about that nonsense

you think makes so much sense.

Don’t try so hard,

cause it will destroy you.

 

You might not feel it yet,

as it will not destroy you just like that.

It will secretly break away pieces,

pieces of you, that are hard to get back.

 

Hey girl,

you deserve better,

than those thoughts haunting you.

stealing from you.

 

You should live a little,

don’t look back.

Not even for a second.

Go forward girl.

 

They might walk away,

hurt you in the process,

but don’t you know

your mind is a silent killer?

 

You are your own greatest martyr,

You love to think yourself numb.

Just because you don’t want to lose,

Don’t let your brain get away with that.

 

Hey girl,

Don’t poison yourself.

Love yourself.

So eventually, you can see others might love you too.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Therapy

Shedding tears

We had just met.

Not even in person.

Simply online.

All of us, screens.

And yet you were there.

Crying.

 

Were we a group?

Did we already bond?

How did you do it?

Shedding a tear in front

of everybody.

Opening up.

 

I sat there and watched.

as you were getting upset.

People listening to you.

For a second there.

Your pain came through so pure.

I felt it.

 

Of course I knew.

this wouldn’t last.

like no feeling ever would.

I sat there, robotic.

Looking at it.

While turning into stone.

 

In a play.

Who wants to be the stone.

Who wants to bore others.

By merely existing in the room.

A mechanism so strong.

I couldn’t feel it.

 

So I just sat there.

Observing.

Admiring you for your strength.

Daring to open up.

To complete strangers.

Who soon should be allies.

 

I do not want to lose myself.

But change is needed.

Facing the facts.

Or better yet: letting them go.

So I can focus.

And eventually feel, like her.

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Therapy

Introduction

We all did this for ourselves

We had waited for half a year

And now the time had come

To show our weaknesses and fear.

 

No one was the same

and yet there was togetherness

people wanting to come together

though that was impossible in the flesh.

 

It took a while to get us there

It was scary, seeing the others,

We were so different, all of us,

Some workaholics, quiet types and mothers.

 

We all had taken a lot of steps to get here,

even though this was just the start,

All of us felt the necessity,

And the hole in our heart.

 

It is going to be a bumpy road,

one with many trials and tribulations,

one that will hopefully help these women,

as long as they have the patience.

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Struggle

Not my part

In my life I got to play,
my fair share of roles,
Whatever someone needed,
I tried to be that or something close.

 

Now that I am being myself,
a little bit more, day by day,
there is something I can’t seem to shake,
there is a role I cannot play.

 

There is something I cannot do for you,
You need it so bad and I know,
I want to be there, make you feel good,
but at the moment you are too low.

 

It is so hard cause I want to pick you up,
Make you feel high,
See you as the amazing girl you are,
Knowing that I can’t makes me want to cry.

 

Please know I’ll do everything in my power,
To make you feel like the special girl you are,
I wish you the world,
And I feel so strongly that you will get far.

 

If I can help you get there,
It would be my honor,
I wish you would not worry so much,
I wish you didn’t have to bother.

 

I am standing on the sideline,
I want to take the pain away,
Do anything to make you feel better
Even leave if you need someone else to stay,

 

You deserve so much more than,
what this world has to offer,
I just wish the world would hand it to you,
so you did not have to suffer.

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Struggle

Faith?

Well, I guess it would be nice
If you would stop popping up
You don’t even know,
But you’re still in my head, just stop.

 

I know not everybody has got a body like you,
One that will push itself against someone else,
A person saying no, crying.
While you knew exactly how she felt.

 

But I gotta think twice,
Cause I can’t seem to get over this,
And the way you handled it,
And the things about you I still miss.

 

I know all the games you play,
Cause now I gotta play them too.
I must become someone else,
To free my brain from those parts of you.

 

I need some time off from that emotion,
Just so I can actually feel again,
Start being real again,
Start having healthy relationships with men.

 

Time to pick my heart up off the floor,
To take back what is mine,
Which has been yours for too long,
To honestly say I’m fine.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can do it all by myself,
I might need some help from others,
But not you, that’d be bad for my health.

 

I gotta have faith,
Cause my river has become an ocean,
Not made for crushing you,
But for crushing what happened then.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can free myself from the memory,
Reprogram my brain with some help,
And make for a much better story.

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Heartbreak

Undeserved

You came home, happy to see me.

I looked at you, not happy to be me.

Cause I knew what I had to do,

And I was about to lose you.

 

Even when I spoke the words out loud,

There was still a shadow of a doubt,

You did not deserve this treatment,

of being made redundant.

 

Together with the words, tears started to pour,

As this hurted us both, straight to the core.

You did not respond the way I expected,

You made sure my feelings weren’t neglected.

 

You started to comfort me,

probably not having to deal with yourself, I see.

As tears rolled down your chin,

I felt like washing myself from sin.

 

The relief I felt about tell you,

Was expected, but not fully true.

I felt the pain more than I’d imagined,

and you took it better than I had reckoned.

 

Now it is upto the hands of time,

To see if somewhow you are still mine,

Not just my own, but someone close, 

That is what I’d love the most.

 

I am not in any position to have any say,

I know that I fucked that up that day.

I just hope you will be a happy man,

with or without me holding your hand.

 

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Struggle

Little lamb

Big eyes, looking at me,

expecting the world,

blinded by butterflies,

you are done being free.

 

I indulge myself in your love,

Addicted by your attention,

Knowing I’m doing you wrong,

But I can’t get enough.

 

You are like a lamb, so innocent,

cute and sweet,

Yet your way to the slaughterhouse.

I am not your friend.

 

I am taking you to this place of death,

I should be nothing to you,

Yet you keep looking at me, filled with love,

And to me that’s crystal meth.

 

A toxic affair, in love you fell,

You should not have cause I hold your leash,

Cant you tell I walk you to the butcher,

Frustrated with you, the urge to yell.

 

Break free and run through the woods,

Leave while you still can,

I am about to eat you alive,

and I am just damaged goods.

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Heartbreak

Cold and empty

You seem distracted,

Somethings definitely off,

I feel a tension arise within me,

the emptiness, the lack of love.

 

I can be pretty sensitive too, you know,

When it has started, it is done,

I noticed you stopped reaching,

and I can’t seem to overcome,

 

You mean way too much to me,
You have my heart in total control,

but on the other side there’s you,

your silence crushes my soul.

 

The warmth I feel for you,

it starts to fade away,

the cold is setting in,

I wish you’d just stay.

 

I haven’t even spoken to you,

but I know something is wrong,

I am counting the seconds until the end,

afraid of that moment you’ll be gone.

 

I am not sure if I can handle this,

this cold is just a little too familiar,

I can’t believe I am at this point again,

how could I’ve let things gone this far?

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Struggle

So close now

It started off as this thing,

we did just for fun,

but what I did not know then

is how things had only just begun.

 

You said there were no butterflies,
and I wasn’t sure if I should care,
my heart has been broken into a million pieces,

and then you were there.

 

Our start might have been a bit rocky,

though we were always good,

there were so many question marks,

until we both understood.

 

Two people that want to be together,

should just follow their hearts,

even if there is just mutual adoration,

and not some true love in the cards.

 

Now we have been together for a few months,

and we are growing closer, it shows,

even people around us notice our relationship,

as we stand together through highs and lows.

 

This will not be forever,

And you will find bigger love for certain,

until that time I will be here,

enjoying every moment, til destiny closes the curtain.

 

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