Happiness

Freeze

You are so amazing,

yet you don’t even know.

Whenever I look at you,

I get anxiety,

Cause you will walk out that door.

You will walk out that door,

whenever you’ll know,

how I feel about you,

As I love you so.

It’s not the standard stuff that makes me love you,

It’s just looking at you.

Seeing your beauty, your ambition,

and your drive to make things right,

You’re such a strong person, with so much fight.

It’s amazing to me, how you offer so much love,

Even though you have missed out on that,

How you behave, how you act, how you carry yourself,

though you haven’t had a great example.

How do you do that, so amazingly,

Everytime it impresses me.

I love you, but there is so much more.

I appreciate you, as the person you are.

Makes me want to be around you all the time,

I feel complete when you are here.

In just a few weeks you have become so dear.

You are so dear to me, sometimes I struggle,

Sometimes I want everything to just freeze,

To give me a bit more time to take it all in,

To allow for my brain to not go for that weird spin,

But to know how to make you feel loved.

Love is all that you deserve,

Just love, hugs, and kisses.

I wish all the best for you,

And I would love to give it,

But if not, at least I had the freeze,

So I can go back to this moment and relive it.

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Struggle

Killer thoughts



The lights are off,
I am alone,
In my room, it’s dark.
Just like my thoughts.

These are things I think whenever you are not here.
Maybe because you are not here.
Things that make my heart stop,
Nearly at least, as I am still here.

My eyes can’t stop tearing up,
Selftorture that no one gets to see
As I sit here, alone.
With my thoughts, dark.

Hurting yourself with a knife
Might be something odd,
But nearly killing yourself by simply thinking,
That really is something else.

It’s great to have this though,
A little safe space,
Just to have thoughts,
That no one gets to see.

No matter where you are,
No matter if you are with me.


(2004)

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Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

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Struggle, Therapy

Lestat

Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before

I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.

Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.

I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.

You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.

So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.

I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.

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Struggle, Therapy

Attention

Always looking, thinking its there,

This sense of being loved,

And yet never really believing it,

Which is so unfair.

 

It is not just unfair to me,

as I need to keep looking,

doing my best, giving my all,

not really letting other people be.

 

I ask so much, the cup is never full,

Do you think you can keep up?

No matter how much you will push,

Here I am, ready to pull.

 

Many have tried before you, dear,

Tried to make me feel the love,

Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,

But I can’t let go of this fear.

 

It seems impossible to give myself away,

just as impossible as it is to connect,

No matter how perfect you may be,

Somehow I can never stay.

 

I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,

As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,

Always needing other people,

Without them swiftly growing colder.

 

I should let my self love blossom,

like a pretty flower within,

but I can’t even create a seed,

nothing to pour this water on.

 

I am working on it, I know,

I need it for me, but mostly for you,

Can’t be treating people like this no more,

But what if it will never grow?

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Struggle, Therapy

Thunder

It’s thunder season,

The hot days end with rain pouring,

Couldn’t be more accurate,

as you will be gone in the morning.

 

People always say:

aren’t you afraid of the thunder?

Not the weather my friend,

it’s my brain going under.

 

Like the headache that pops up,

whenever there is lightning ahead,

I can predict my emotions,

I know that I am gonna be bad.

 

I am going to be a sad woman,

curled up in her little room,

not knowing what to do with these emotions,

getting overwhelmed by doom.

 

I am uncomfortably unable,

to deal with the thunder within me,

I know it is coming,

yet I don’t know how to deal.

 

Knowing is the first step to getting better,

Pretty words that mean nothing to me now,

Cause I am close to the end of the line,

about to jump and drown.

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Therapy

Haunting

I thought I was talking to your sister,

when I told her in a chatroom that I was struggling,

but yet, it was you,

making me block this amazing friend out of my life.

 

I thought I was going out,

when I was cycling to my favorite pub

But there it was, your car, following me,

And my friend felt unsafe.

 

And there were were, arrived at the pub,

A bit taken aback by what just happened,

When the alcohol started to work,

You suddenly popped up.

 

May be it were the drugs in your brain,

a dangerous cocktail to go with a bad mental state,

But as you stood there, I hardly recognized you,

And I had just seen you a week before.

 

You haunted me like this for a long time,

Constantly calling, I couldn’t even use my phone,

And bothering my parents,

when phoning in the middle of the night at my home.

 

Just chasing me around, ruining friendships,

it was not quite enough for you.

If you couldn’t have me, no one could,

is what you must have thought when driving up to my home that night

 

As you parked your car I had to chase my date away,

A boy who had nothing to do with you, with this situation,

I let him leave though the garden,

cause I was afraid of what you might do.

 

Cause it wasn’t just you bothering me,

you certainly knew how to drag everyone down,

and you did not keep things friendly,

when you said you would end my life.

 

Your behavior has stayed with me,

Even when I moved away to a different city,

When I started my new life,

The trauma of you stuck by me.

 

That is no living, no freedom,

it is something future boyfriends had to deal with,

Even close friends have had to cope with this part of me,

as I find it hard to trust.

 

I should not be scared when an anonymous phone number pops up on my screen,

I should not feel bad about people lovingly trying to surprise me,

I should not have to feel afraid for someone to know my last name,

but after all those years you still haunt me.

 

It seems to get worse when I talk about it more,

Will it ever go away?

Sometimes I wonder if this is what you intended,

tainting my life, haunting my mind, forever.

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Struggle

The buildup

Everything is fine, until its not.

Until one little thing ticks her off.

Is it really her though?

 

It only needs one thing to start the chain reaction

One thing to let the domino’s fall.

One by one.

 

But the domino’s go faster,

so fast they start to heat up.

So fast they burn.

 

Unstoppable, they just go on,

The fire destroys everything in its way

It only takes a few seconds.

 

Everything is burnt down, black,

Leaving behind this nothingness.

Like an empty field where nothing can grow.

 

And in this burnt down place,

there is a girl screaming,

not understanding what just happened.

 

As if she is not really there,

even though she feels those domino’s fall,

one by one.

 

She feels the fire from within,

But yet she chooses to wash in sin,

Can she do nothing but give in?

 

She can only look back,

It’s too late to set them up straight,

They are gone now.

 

She can only look at the blackness

The blackness they left behind

And again start a fight against more dominos coming.

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Therapy

Hey girl

Hey girl,

I see you,

sitting there,

worrying.

 

It’s not you, you know.

It’s not in your hands.

You can’t control everything

You can’t control anything.

 

Try to take things as they are, girl

You worrying won’t change a thing

Don’t be afraid of your feelings,

Even if they get hurt.

 

Later you will live,

and live to the fullest,

Love, and love to the fullest

because of those feelings, girl.

 

Stop thinking about that nonsense

you think makes so much sense.

Don’t try so hard,

cause it will destroy you.

 

You might not feel it yet,

as it will not destroy you just like that.

It will secretly break away pieces,

pieces of you, that are hard to get back.

 

Hey girl,

you deserve better,

than those thoughts haunting you.

stealing from you.

 

You should live a little,

don’t look back.

Not even for a second.

Go forward girl.

 

They might walk away,

hurt you in the process,

but don’t you know

your mind is a silent killer?

 

You are your own greatest martyr,

You love to think yourself numb.

Just because you don’t want to lose,

Don’t let your brain get away with that.

 

Hey girl,

Don’t poison yourself.

Love yourself.

So eventually, you can see others might love you too.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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