Tag Archives: bpd

Struggle

Unattainable

He is not what I want

Defenitely not what I need

But when I look into his eyes

I fall at his feet.

He is not the one for me

He is not even close

He does not act like he wants to be

I get his thorns, but who gets the rose?

Roses are beautiful,

but a bit less, when you realize they’re not for you

They belong to someone else

And that is your truth

You can look at them,

really take that beauty in

may be even feel the soft petals

knowing it may be a sin

Knowing you are getting yourself in trouble

Cause you know your eyes go soft

when they see that red velvet

mistaking it for love

Girl, don’t you know

Dealing with thorns won’t get you to the flower

As long as you get so weak around him

You’re just giving him all your power

You need that for you,

to make your rose bloom and grow

Create the reddest red

cause the right person will know.

Standard
Struggle

5 wishes

I’ve got five wishes

I want someone to be a loving person

I want them to be up for fun things

And not just that, but also to come up with fun things.

I want them to be clear to me, just answer me

And I want them to show a little effort.

Five wishes and yet it feels like too much

They don’t have to be gorgeous

They don’t have to buy me things

They don’t need to fix things for me

They don’t even have to want just me

I just want them to be a certain type of person

A little bit of me, but then able to love me more

Why does it feel so unattainable

Why does it feel like they don’t exist

I always saw myself as the low maintenance one

But may be that is just not want they want?

It’s just not me to be playing games

I refuse to wait 1.5 hours before texting someone back

I am not gonna ask a lot of a person, just to feel important

I will not make someone life difficult, just as a test

I don’t think that has to do anything with love

That’s possession, and I am not for that.

I just want to love someone

spend time with someone

and basically my wish is one: for someone to actually want to spend time with me too.

Standard
Struggle

My hands

Waiting for a text from you

An answer to the questions asked

but why do I read into it so much

As if every word from you is an answer to my love

There I said it: love.

Can we speak about such a thing though,

when it might just be control?

I want to wrap you all around my finger.

You however, just touch the tip of my pinky

and I run along with it

knowing how easily a connection is lost,

why don’t just hold my whole hand?

You do it when we are in public,

like I am your arm candy,

but when we text, I miss some of that sweetness,

I need some sugar from you, man.

To hold my hand like that

You gotta earn it

I am not sure if you are there yet

But you make me feel so proud when you do, that I forget

I am proud to enter a room with you

I feel relief when you kiss me

But then again, you kinda diss me,

at moments that matter too

It’s not in my hands,

it’s in yours.

Your big, strong hands,

That have wrapped me all around them all along.

It’s like a chokehold and I can’t let go,

If even I wanted to, I am stuck with you

Or rather, with me and the obsession with us two

Cause I am just not that strong.

Standard
Heartbreak

Loveletter

You have been quiet,

as you should.

Cause we discussed,

that we would.

But now the thought of you 

it’s lingering in my head.

What are you doing right now?

Are you just as upset?

I can’t send you a message,

Had to get rid of your number,

and for a while I was okay,

but now, once again, you slumber.

You are so far away,

but always right here,

like a bear hibernating,

unreachable, yet dangerously near.

I suppose this is it,

my loveletter to you.

In all those years, 

Our love is still true.

I want to wish you the best,

I know that the best for me too,

but somehow it never really feels that way,

As my mind is still stuck on you.

I wish my loveletter could contain that wish,

a happy life, a great love, everything,

but somehow I can’t write those words,

I think about it, Fly On Little Wing.

Feels like I am walking through the clouds,

my mind being total all over the place,

Not just sadness, happy things too,

And sometimes a picture of your face.

I should leave you alone,

Riding the wind, just me,

This is simply how my brain works,

And why it will never be free.

I am alright though,

I do not care whatever you take,

Whatever space you need inside of me,

But let me have it, for heavens sake.

Please let me have my loveletter,

a small space just for that purpose,

It is my own little blessing,

and yet my own little curse.

Standard
Struggle

Far away

You don t notice it,

The way I look at you lately,

Knowing you are not okay,

Feeling extra crazy.

You can t notice it anyway,

Your brain won t let you do that,

It’s stuck on you,

And I can t argue with that.

I feel you slipping,

But I can’t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I know shutting other people out,

Is just a way for you to cope,

And believe me, I am trying,

Trying really hard not to mope.

I worry about you,

but that’s not what you want to hear,

You don’t seem to need anyone,

Well, at least not anyone near.

I feel you slipping,

But I can t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I feel you slipping,

But you don’t accept anything,

So all I can do is to sit and wait,

trying to avoid that sting.

Standard
Heartbreak

Never forget

You needed to erase me

So you did.

I could only stand there

And I watched it all unfold.

The jealous girlfriend, ofcourse.

My life has suddenly changed.

It turned into a cliche

And not because I wanted it to.

You posted an object we bought,

With a text: never forget.

For a second I thought you meant me.

I was vain.

And I was sad,

Cause the words really hurt me.

But then there was the realization

It wasnt even about me.

Which is funny,

And pretty ironic,

As it had got to do with hashtags.

And guess what the object in the picture was.

It was all just a big fck you.

The love for you I have

Tries to tell me you did not mean it

Not that way, anyway.

But as the time goes by,

I can only feel more erased

By your silence.

And your ease.

May be it was even too much to ask

To not be forgotten.

As a lover,

But even as a friend.

Standard
Heartbreak

After the shards

A pizza box on the table,

A cold piece was there.

A stale piece.

No thanks.

I wish I had the guts to say that.

But I had to hear it from you.

I knew it was coming,

But I chose to keep my eyes shut.

Shut until the sands of time forced them open,

With only a silly pizza box.

A dish served cold.

A message served even colder.

It’s been so many years, so many,

And yet I’m still here.

Surrounded by shards of cardboard.

Searching for moving parts.

There should be one there.

One, at least.

Red, soft, pulsing…

Where is it?

Did I really lose it?

And you were just sitting there,

Watching as it happened.

Can it ever be found?

The wind is trying to blow the pieces away,

But I can still see a pizza box.

A boy and a girl, in a garden.

That would never be the same.

Standard
Heartbreak

Endship

A few months ago you were crying on my couch,

I listened, I gave advice, I was there for you,

you and her broke up and you were devastated.

but now you treat me as another one of your headaches.

I do not want anything romantic nor sexual from you.

I just want to have my friend in my life.

But I guess that would be a one way street forever,

as you seem to have met your future wife.

I’m just here being happy for you, 

She seems awesome and you are so in love,

doing all the things you never want to do with me,

so I guess you must be happy.

However, happiness I know is different,

it means people are upbeat and extra friendly,

But you seem to have some kind of tunnel vision,

forgetting about others, our friendship is done.

I feel so stupid for ever believing,

exes could be friends.

Cause people keep telling me, showing me,

that I believe in things that cannot be.

Not wanting to play the tiniest violin,

I decided to speak up to you.

Multiple times, on multiple occasions, I tried,

but you only think I am trying to pick a fight.

Just telling my friend I miss him,

makes him angry and mad.

Because I am forcing him to feel guilty,

and with that you are making me feel filthy.

I know you think you are better than me,

in some ways you probably are,

but at least I tried to speak the words,

and tried to heal before things get worse.

Standard
Happiness

The door

Staring into your eyes in the hallway

The time keeps ticking

but I don’t even notice

Cause there is no thinking

There is no thinking when we stare

Just affection, and a whole lot of attraction

I push my lips onto yours,

My hand under your shirt, ready for action

Yet there is this door behind you

It’s waiting on either of our hands

To reach for the doorknob and open it

Instead of undoing eachothers pants

The door is right behind us in this hallway

but secretly it is in between us two

soon it will divide us

and I’ll have to go back to missing you

It got me wondering what is wrong

as I miss you after just a second

Is it that unfillable void on the inside

or is it just our extraordinary bond?

You, you are in my head, heart and mind

There is this feeling I simply need

Don’t want to miss out on you and my full self

Cause when you are around, I feel complete

Standard
Therapy

Not my own

Help.

Help me.

I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I’m trapped inside the mind of a lunatic.

Got me feeling all frantic.

Not acting like I should.

Not doing the best I could.

Help me.

For I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I am stuck in these thoughts, they’re tainted.

They are not like the perfect picture I had painted.

Emotions got me feeling a type of way,

running wild, now I don’t know what to say.

Save me.

For I’m trapped inside a mind.

A mind that is not my own.

I don’t dear to speak out loud,

Too afraid of what comes out.

Could these feelings be the real me?

Or are they just that distorted part of me?

Save me.

Cause I’m trapped inside my mind.

A mind that is fully my own.

Standard