Struggle

Dear Madonna

‘Borderline, feels like I’m going to lose my mind’

She sang, like she knew what she was singing about.

However, dear Madonna, that is not quite how it all works.

Let me explain why you are a fraud.

Borderline does not feel like you are about to lose your mind,

It feels like you’ve lost it ages ago,

and it suddenly shows again.

And not in a fun way though.

It’s never just the one thing either,

It always comes in chaos,

It is overwhelming, you can’t see clearly,

it just busts down any doors.

Doors in your mind you thought were safe,

Storing that trauma perfectly,

All getting bust down,

Showing all the ugly.

So no Madonna, it hasn’t got to do with anything,

that you sing about.

It has nothing to do with love,

it just comes over as one dark cloud.

Nothing cutesy, nothing to appreciate,

just hard work to keep it all together,

and for loved ones not to worry,

and just wait for sunny weather.

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Struggle

You chose you

I chose me, I’m sorry.

The words of Kendrick Lamar,

I don’t really hear them,

Cause my thoughts are a far.

Kendricks words are echoing in my brain,

But I can only think

You chose you, I’m sorry.

As I gaze at you, feeling your pain.

I am sorry that you chose you,

As it means that you chose no one else

When there is only room for you,

We can’t do much else.

I can only stand on the sideline,

Watching it all unfold,

Not asking how you are doing,

As so I have been told.

It’s hard to accept the destruction,

It’s not just hard to watch,

How do people cope with this,

When they love her so much.

You stand there, made up your mind,

My thoughts twisted and turned,

No matter what I do,

Either way I’ll get burned.

I just want to help you, make things easier,

But I can’t ask you how you feel,

So I just stand here in a corner,

I can’t ask you how to deal.

There is no solution to this,

The only way is to let you be,

Give you some space,

And hope soon you’ll feel free.

Free enough to let people in,

Not because they’d feel better,

Not to take the pain away,

But to just sit there next to you,

And show you you are loved.

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Struggle

Far away

You don t notice it,

The way I look at you lately,

Knowing you are not okay,

Feeling extra crazy.

You can t notice it anyway,

Your brain won t let you do that,

It’s stuck on you,

And I can t argue with that.

I feel you slipping,

But I can’t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I know shutting other people out,

Is just a way for you to cope,

And believe me, I am trying,

Trying really hard not to mope.

I worry about you,

but that’s not what you want to hear,

You don’t seem to need anyone,

Well, at least not anyone near.

I feel you slipping,

But I can t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I feel you slipping,

But you don’t accept anything,

So all I can do is to sit and wait,

trying to avoid that sting.

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Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

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Struggle, Therapy

Lestat

Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before

I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.

Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.

I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.

You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.

So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.

I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.

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Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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Happiness

Postcard

A creative picture, a funny remark,

Something familiar, and something brand new.

It’s pretty like a postcard.

And you are one of the lucky few.

 

One of the people receiving this card,

Filled with joy and interesting facts.

But at the same time forced.

A social construct that will last.

 

It often doesn’t matter what is on the back.

The front tells what people want to say.

The words written by pen are just fillers.

Or shallow things no one cares about anyway.

 

People often find me pleasant as a postcard

As a kind greeting at a safe distance.

And they might search for the back,

Lovers, family members, even friends.

 

I’d love to help out, but you see, I can’t.

I am not sure what I can offer you,

Not sure if the picture on the front is real,

Not sure if my feelings about it are true.

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Struggle

Not my part

In my life I got to play,
my fair share of roles,
Whatever someone needed,
I tried to be that or something close.

 

Now that I am being myself,
a little bit more, day by day,
there is something I can’t seem to shake,
there is a role I cannot play.

 

There is something I cannot do for you,
You need it so bad and I know,
I want to be there, make you feel good,
but at the moment you are too low.

 

It is so hard cause I want to pick you up,
Make you feel high,
See you as the amazing girl you are,
Knowing that I can’t makes me want to cry.

 

Please know I’ll do everything in my power,
To make you feel like the special girl you are,
I wish you the world,
And I feel so strongly that you will get far.

 

If I can help you get there,
It would be my honor,
I wish you would not worry so much,
I wish you didn’t have to bother.

 

I am standing on the sideline,
I want to take the pain away,
Do anything to make you feel better
Even leave if you need someone else to stay,

 

You deserve so much more than,
what this world has to offer,
I just wish the world would hand it to you,
so you did not have to suffer.

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Struggle

So close now

It started off as this thing,

we did just for fun,

but what I did not know then

is how things had only just begun.

 

You said there were no butterflies,
and I wasn’t sure if I should care,
my heart has been broken into a million pieces,

and then you were there.

 

Our start might have been a bit rocky,

though we were always good,

there were so many question marks,

until we both understood.

 

Two people that want to be together,

should just follow their hearts,

even if there is just mutual adoration,

and not some true love in the cards.

 

Now we have been together for a few months,

and we are growing closer, it shows,

even people around us notice our relationship,

as we stand together through highs and lows.

 

This will not be forever,

And you will find bigger love for certain,

until that time I will be here,

enjoying every moment, til destiny closes the curtain.

 

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Struggle

Just like before

We cuddled when we met again,

it has been what, six years?

but now we are just friends,

nothing complicated, no lovers, no fears.

 

As we were standing there,

at the concert hall, way too close together,

I noticed how I did care,

how all of this actually did matter.

 

Sometimes you would look at me,

fascinated by how I was singing along,

I felt so happy and so free,

but I also knew, this was not about the song.

 

This was about us, what we have been,

And better yet, what we are now,

but what I could not have foreseen,

was that is was about our future somehow.

 

We were standing so close to one another,

You pressed your body against mine,

But weird enough I did not really bother,

cause it actually felt fine.

 

It felt like it was meant to be,

even when it was a fucked up thing,

You know you are special to me,

I warned you about me not being a fling.

 

And yet there it was, I am not sure how,

but our lips found each other naturally,

and I feel so confused right now.

Has this happened, really?

 

Who would know after all these years,

of grief and new opportunities, of love and loss,

Me getting over my fears, you crying your tears,

how our paths would somehow cross.

 

It is hard not to see it as destiny,

it is also hard to not to give in to this lust,

how do you, after all these years, still get to me,

after our relationship turned to dust.

 

All I know is you hold a special place in my heart,

and this might just be something solely about passion,

cause deep inside we are both scarred,

and outside we are deeply longing for attention.

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