Struggle

Far away

You don t notice it,

The way I look at you lately,

Knowing you are not okay,

Feeling extra crazy.

You can t notice it anyway,

Your brain won t let you do that,

It’s stuck on you,

And I can t argue with that.

I feel you slipping,

But I can’t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I know shutting other people out,

Is just a way for you to cope,

And believe me, I am trying,

Trying really hard not to mope.

I worry about you,

but that’s not what you want to hear,

You don’t seem to need anyone,

Well, at least not anyone near.

I feel you slipping,

But I can t get through.

I know you are hurting,

But I can’t help you.

I feel you slipping,

But you don’t accept anything,

So all I can do is to sit and wait,

trying to avoid that sting.

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Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

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Struggle, Therapy

Lestat

Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before

I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.

Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.

I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.

You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.

So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.

I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.

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Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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Happiness

Postcard

A creative picture, a funny remark,

Something familiar, and something brand new.

It’s pretty like a postcard.

And you are one of the lucky few.

 

One of the people receiving this card,

Filled with joy and interesting facts.

But at the same time forced.

A social construct that will last.

 

It often doesn’t matter what is on the back.

The front tells what people want to say.

The words written by pen are just fillers.

Or shallow things no one cares about anyway.

 

People often find me pleasant as a postcard

As a kind greeting at a safe distance.

And they might search for the back,

Lovers, family members, even friends.

 

I’d love to help out, but you see, I can’t.

I am not sure what I can offer you,

Not sure if the picture on the front is real,

Not sure if my feelings about it are true.

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Struggle

Not my part

In my life I got to play,
my fair share of roles,
Whatever someone needed,
I tried to be that or something close.

 

Now that I am being myself,
a little bit more, day by day,
there is something I can’t seem to shake,
there is a role I cannot play.

 

There is something I cannot do for you,
You need it so bad and I know,
I want to be there, make you feel good,
but at the moment you are too low.

 

It is so hard cause I want to pick you up,
Make you feel high,
See you as the amazing girl you are,
Knowing that I can’t makes me want to cry.

 

Please know I’ll do everything in my power,
To make you feel like the special girl you are,
I wish you the world,
And I feel so strongly that you will get far.

 

If I can help you get there,
It would be my honor,
I wish you would not worry so much,
I wish you didn’t have to bother.

 

I am standing on the sideline,
I want to take the pain away,
Do anything to make you feel better
Even leave if you need someone else to stay,

 

You deserve so much more than,
what this world has to offer,
I just wish the world would hand it to you,
so you did not have to suffer.

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Struggle

So close now

It started off as this thing,

we did just for fun,

but what I did not know then

is how things had only just begun.

 

You said there were no butterflies,
and I wasn’t sure if I should care,
my heart has been broken into a million pieces,

and then you were there.

 

Our start might have been a bit rocky,

though we were always good,

there were so many question marks,

until we both understood.

 

Two people that want to be together,

should just follow their hearts,

even if there is just mutual adoration,

and not some true love in the cards.

 

Now we have been together for a few months,

and we are growing closer, it shows,

even people around us notice our relationship,

as we stand together through highs and lows.

 

This will not be forever,

And you will find bigger love for certain,

until that time I will be here,

enjoying every moment, til destiny closes the curtain.

 

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Struggle

Just like before

We cuddled when we met again,

it has been what, six years?

but now we are just friends,

nothing complicated, no lovers, no fears.

 

As we were standing there,

at the concert hall, way too close together,

I noticed how I did care,

how all of this actually did matter.

 

Sometimes you would look at me,

fascinated by how I was singing along,

I felt so happy and so free,

but I also knew, this was not about the song.

 

This was about us, what we have been,

And better yet, what we are now,

but what I could not have foreseen,

was that is was about our future somehow.

 

We were standing so close to one another,

You pressed your body against mine,

But weird enough I did not really bother,

cause it actually felt fine.

 

It felt like it was meant to be,

even when it was a fucked up thing,

You know you are special to me,

I warned you about me not being a fling.

 

And yet there it was, I am not sure how,

but our lips found each other naturally,

and I feel so confused right now.

Has this happened, really?

 

Who would know after all these years,

of grief and new opportunities, of love and loss,

Me getting over my fears, you crying your tears,

how our paths would somehow cross.

 

It is hard not to see it as destiny,

it is also hard to not to give in to this lust,

how do you, after all these years, still get to me,

after our relationship turned to dust.

 

All I know is you hold a special place in my heart,

and this might just be something solely about passion,

cause deep inside we are both scarred,

and outside we are deeply longing for attention.

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Struggle

A taste of what you missed

We were too close and I knew it,
You are a danger to anything I have built up,

But yet I let you go through with it,

And now everything else is just fucked up.

You said you just wanted a taste,

a taste of what you have missed,

But in your lust, and in your haste,

you forgot what I said before we kissed.

 

I said if we do it now it will be forever,

but you did not care about it,

we will not get back together, never,

and now even our friendship went to shit.

 

It is all so strange cause I love you so,

I care so much about someone,

that is ready to use me like this though,

and now what, are we done?

 

 

I can’t lie, our lips locking in

It felt like a million bucks,

But in reality it was just a bucket full of sin,

and then you not giving any fucks.

 

Your hands on me, it felt so divine,

and yet it was such devilish deceit,

At that moment it all felt fine,

not knowing to you I was just a piece of meat.

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Struggle

I need a brake

No butterflies, you said last week,

you looked at me, killing me,

I guess that is dating in 2017,

everybody just wants to be free.

 

Do you really want to be free as well?

I do not, I want you,

I feel for you, hard, wanting you,

and sometimes it seems you want that too.

 

Especially when we go out with friends,

and you put your arms around me,

you play with my long hair,

and I am as happy as can be.

 

You seem to be sweeter to me lately,

calling me your girlfriend, meany.

even when your friends are around,

you truly are a mystery.

 

The odd thing is I cannot stop,

I can’t seem to tell my heart,

not to get in so deep.

but this was hellbent from the start.

 

It is hard to let you go,

especially now that you act so cute,

please do not play with my fragile heart,

cause this change of plans it can’t compute.

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