Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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Struggle

The buildup

Everything is fine, until its not.

Until one little thing ticks her off.

Is it really her though?

 

It only needs one thing to start the chain reaction

One thing to let the domino’s fall.

One by one.

 

But the domino’s go faster,

so fast they start to heat up.

So fast they burn.

 

Unstoppable, they just go on,

The fire destroys everything in its way

It only takes a few seconds.

 

Everything is burnt down, black,

Leaving behind this nothingness.

Like an empty field where nothing can grow.

 

And in this burnt down place,

there is a girl screaming,

not understanding what just happened.

 

As if she is not really there,

even though she feels those domino’s fall,

one by one.

 

She feels the fire from within,

But yet she chooses to wash in sin,

Can she do nothing but give in?

 

She can only look back,

It’s too late to set them up straight,

They are gone now.

 

She can only look at the blackness

The blackness they left behind

And again start a fight against more dominos coming.

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Struggle

No control

You are sitting across the room,

Eyes wide open, scared a bit.

So many thoughts going through your head,

but yet, you can’t turn them around.

into something positive.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many things taunting the soul.

There are so many things I can’t control,

Even myself, as I am feeling awful.

 

You are uncomfortable with yourself,

Ashamed, not knowing how to act.

Though you being you is all the world wants.

And you being you is all you need.

So many roadblocks along your way.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

I do not wish to play this role.

There are so many things I can’t control,

I wish you knew you are beautiful.

 

I admire you for how you work your way through life,

Though I also see you struggle constantly.

So many people you want to please,

Trying hard to wear this mask.

I see right through you.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

So many things damaging the soul,

There are so many things I can’t control.

I cannot seem to reach you, at all.

 

I understand you have been hurt in the past,

but don’t you see your hurt,

reflecting in those eyes you are staring at?

Or are you just glaring over?

Afraid of the past.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many little moments you stole.

There are so many things I can’t control.

I did so much time but I’m still on parole.

 

Whenever you shut me out,

It is your hurt that is projecting on me.

I tried so hard, but I am so tired.

And you are too, yet you don’t give in.

How long will you continue on like this?

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

I can’t even control how things affect me,

There are so many things I can’t control,

I must work harder to be free.

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Happiness

Postcard

A creative picture, a funny remark,

Something familiar, and something brand new.

It’s pretty like a postcard.

And you are one of the lucky few.

 

One of the people receiving this card,

Filled with joy and interesting facts.

But at the same time forced.

A social construct that will last.

 

It often doesn’t matter what is on the back.

The front tells what people want to say.

The words written by pen are just fillers.

Or shallow things no one cares about anyway.

 

People often find me pleasant as a postcard

As a kind greeting at a safe distance.

And they might search for the back,

Lovers, family members, even friends.

 

I’d love to help out, but you see, I can’t.

I am not sure what I can offer you,

Not sure if the picture on the front is real,

Not sure if my feelings about it are true.

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Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

 

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

 

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

 

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

 

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

 

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

 

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

 

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

 

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

 

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Therapy

Introduction

We all did this for ourselves

We had waited for half a year

And now the time had come

To show our weaknesses and fear.

 

No one was the same

and yet there was togetherness

people wanting to come together

though that was impossible in the flesh.

 

It took a while to get us there

It was scary, seeing the others,

We were so different, all of us,

Some workaholics, quiet types and mothers.

 

We all had taken a lot of steps to get here,

even though this was just the start,

All of us felt the necessity,

And the hole in our heart.

 

It is going to be a bumpy road,

one with many trials and tribulations,

one that will hopefully help these women,

as long as they have the patience.

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Struggle

Whole

Sometimes I feel I left a piece of me inside you.
I didn’t leave it there because I wanted to.
Not sure it was on purpose at all.
All I know is there is this part of me, you carry with you.

You probably don’t even know it’s there.
There might never be a day you’ll think of it, discover it.
All I know is it is stuck with you,
And it is lost in me.

I left a piece of who I am,
A small bit of how I feel.
A fragment of my identity.
so many emotions, there are there.

They live in a place I’ll never reach.
And they are missing, I feel it.
I feel them not being there.
they were lost along the way.

I miss her. I miss that girl when she still was a whole.
I long for her to be back one day,
So I can feel again, breathe again.
Live again, with all the colors other people see.

I don’t get to see them now.
And you might be using them
Using them to live your life in full HD,
as you should.

It’s so easy to be reminded of them
cause they are so alive
they flutter like a thousand butterflies
with wings cutting me as they left.

Sometimes I’ll think about it
What if we were friends again.
How much I miss not only that part of me,
But also that past of us.

I know its gone, and in your case forgotten,
But I think about it often, as my mind will remind me.
Remind me of all these feelings, vibrating to get out,
To leave you and come back to me. To wonder and finally be free.

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Heartbreak

Comfort in scars

When I hear that song,

you know which one.

My mind goes places,

and my heart is gone.

 

Cause it makes me think of your face,

and it cuts deep within,

you beautiful smile,

that was really something.

 

It felt magical to be with you,

but pretty heartwrenching at the same time,

cause I gave you my all,

and yet you could not be mine.

 

And now I only have your music to remember,

The scars on my body will stay for many years,

they comfort me as they remind me of you,

and yet, they have caused me so many tears.

 

In a way they are the greatest comfort there is,

when I made them, but also carrying them all,

they also show the pain you have caused me,

and how it felt to take the fall.

 

They comfort me more than you can these days,

You are distant, though it is written in the stars,

I love you forever, even if it stays unanswered,

I will always find comfort, comfort in my scars.

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Struggle

Silenced

I can smell your fear from miles away,

I always thought I’d be immune,

But lately it seems to have evolved,

we are simply not in tune.

 

I used to be able to let it go,

but I now I don’t see how.

Your fear has silenced even me,

what to do with my strong feelings now?

 

I want to be the wonderful person,

I know I am when I’m head over heels,

but there’s is something holding me back,

even though I definitely feel all the feels.

 

I feel bad for not being who I truly am,

A warm, caring, gentle and loving human being,

but I can’t cause I need to protect myself too,

though I want to with every fiber in my being.

 

Sometimes I just want to scream out to you,

frustrated cause you do not seem to care,

disappointed cause you let fear rule you,

and stand in the way of this love, how unfair.

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