Tag Archives: borderline personality disorder

Struggle

Dear Madonna

‘Borderline, feels like I’m going to lose my mind’

She sang, like she knew what she was singing about.

However, dear Madonna, that is not quite how it all works.

Let me explain why you are a fraud.

Borderline does not feel like you are about to lose your mind,

It feels like you’ve lost it ages ago,

and it suddenly shows again.

And not in a fun way though.

It’s never just the one thing either,

It always comes in chaos,

It is overwhelming, you can’t see clearly,

it just busts down any doors.

Doors in your mind you thought were safe,

Storing that trauma perfectly,

All getting bust down,

Showing all the ugly.

So no Madonna, it hasn’t got to do with anything,

that you sing about.

It has nothing to do with love,

it just comes over as one dark cloud.

Nothing cutesy, nothing to appreciate,

just hard work to keep it all together,

and for loved ones not to worry,

and just wait for sunny weather.

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Heartbreak

Loveletter

You have been quiet,

as you should.

Cause we discussed,

that we would.

But now the thought of you 

it’s lingering in my head.

What are you doing right now?

Are you just as upset?

I can’t send you a message,

Had to get rid of your number,

and for a while I was okay,

but now, once again, you slumber.

You are so far away,

but always right here,

like a bear hibernating,

unreachable, yet dangerously near.

I suppose this is it,

my loveletter to you.

In all those years, 

Our love is still true.

I want to wish you the best,

I know that the best for me too,

but somehow it never really feels that way,

As my mind is still stuck on you.

I wish my loveletter could contain that wish,

a happy life, a great love, everything,

but somehow I can’t write those words,

I think about it, Fly On Little Wing.

Feels like I am walking through the clouds,

my mind being total all over the place,

Not just sadness, happy things too,

And sometimes a picture of your face.

I should leave you alone,

Riding the wind, just me,

This is simply how my brain works,

And why it will never be free.

I am alright though,

I do not care whatever you take,

Whatever space you need inside of me,

But let me have it, for heavens sake.

Please let me have my loveletter,

a small space just for that purpose,

It is my own little blessing,

and yet my own little curse.

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Struggle

Walls up

You can talk to me,

You told her.

As a while from now no one will ask you

How you are doing.

My heart broke as I heard you speak

The girl that never wants to hear the question

So hey, how have you been?

The girl that even avoids the question at all times.

Later you told me you are so happy

That that guy that has not treated you well

Is so invested in your well-being

Asking you how you are doing, and really care about it too.

Dear friend,

I cry on the inside when you speak the words

Cause that same day I had this awful feeling all day

And I got the courage to finally ask you, hey how are you doing, knowing you would hate it.

And all I got was exactly what I expected.

Just a wall, a facade, saying haha I’m fine, you crazy

I can’t be there for my friend.

Not because I don’t want to

But because she won’t let me.

It’s up to her of course,

If she feels better confiding in Mr random,

Go ahead.

All I ask is don’t lie to me.

You know exactly what you are doing.

You can’t fool me

You are only fooling yourself.

And hurting me in the process.

For loving you and being by your side.

It’s not fair, and yet I can’t do anything about it.

Guess I’m just for fun.

Kinda like you were to that guy before

You now appreciate so much.

It’s all so contradictory

And it got me feeling handicapped, stupid, sad.

Telling myself this is just a phase,

Being debris in your devastating ways.

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Heartbreak

Never forget

You needed to erase me

So you did.

I could only stand there

And I watched it all unfold.

The jealous girlfriend, ofcourse.

My life has suddenly changed.

It turned into a cliche

And not because I wanted it to.

You posted an object we bought,

With a text: never forget.

For a second I thought you meant me.

I was vain.

And I was sad,

Cause the words really hurt me.

But then there was the realization

It wasnt even about me.

Which is funny,

And pretty ironic,

As it had got to do with hashtags.

And guess what the object in the picture was.

It was all just a big fck you.

The love for you I have

Tries to tell me you did not mean it

Not that way, anyway.

But as the time goes by,

I can only feel more erased

By your silence.

And your ease.

May be it was even too much to ask

To not be forgotten.

As a lover,

But even as a friend.

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Heartbreak

After the shards

A pizza box on the table,

A cold piece was there.

A stale piece.

No thanks.

I wish I had the guts to say that.

But I had to hear it from you.

I knew it was coming,

But I chose to keep my eyes shut.

Shut until the sands of time forced them open,

With only a silly pizza box.

A dish served cold.

A message served even colder.

It’s been so many years, so many,

And yet I’m still here.

Surrounded by shards of cardboard.

Searching for moving parts.

There should be one there.

One, at least.

Red, soft, pulsing…

Where is it?

Did I really lose it?

And you were just sitting there,

Watching as it happened.

Can it ever be found?

The wind is trying to blow the pieces away,

But I can still see a pizza box.

A boy and a girl, in a garden.

That would never be the same.

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Happiness

Freeze

You are so amazing,

yet you don’t even know.

Whenever I look at you,

I get anxiety,

Cause you will walk out that door.

You will walk out that door,

whenever you’ll know,

how I feel about you,

As I love you so.

It’s not the standard stuff that makes me love you,

It’s just looking at you.

Seeing your beauty, your ambition,

and your drive to make things right,

You’re such a strong person, with so much fight.

It’s amazing to me, how you offer so much love,

Even though you have missed out on that,

How you behave, how you act, how you carry yourself,

though you haven’t had a great example.

How do you do that, so amazingly,

Everytime it impresses me.

I love you, but there is so much more.

I appreciate you, as the person you are.

Makes me want to be around you all the time,

I feel complete when you are here.

In just a few weeks you have become so dear.

You are so dear to me, sometimes I struggle,

Sometimes I want everything to just freeze,

To give me a bit more time to take it all in,

To allow for my brain to not go for that weird spin,

But to know how to make you feel loved.

Love is all that you deserve,

Just love, hugs, and kisses.

I wish all the best for you,

And I would love to give it,

But if not, at least I had the freeze,

So I can go back to this moment and relive it.

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Struggle, Therapy

Lestat

Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before

I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.

Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.

I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.

You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.

So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.

I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.

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Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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Struggle

The buildup

Everything is fine, until its not.

Until one little thing ticks her off.

Is it really her though?

 

It only needs one thing to start the chain reaction

One thing to let the domino’s fall.

One by one.

 

But the domino’s go faster,

so fast they start to heat up.

So fast they burn.

 

Unstoppable, they just go on,

The fire destroys everything in its way

It only takes a few seconds.

 

Everything is burnt down, black,

Leaving behind this nothingness.

Like an empty field where nothing can grow.

 

And in this burnt down place,

there is a girl screaming,

not understanding what just happened.

 

As if she is not really there,

even though she feels those domino’s fall,

one by one.

 

She feels the fire from within,

But yet she chooses to wash in sin,

Can she do nothing but give in?

 

She can only look back,

It’s too late to set them up straight,

They are gone now.

 

She can only look at the blackness

The blackness they left behind

And again start a fight against more dominos coming.

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