Heartbreak

Never forget

You needed to erase me

So you did.

I could only stand there

And I watched it all unfold.

The jealous girlfriend, ofcourse.

My life has suddenly changed.

It turned into a cliche

And not because I wanted it to.

You posted an object we bought,

With a text: never forget.

For a second I thought you meant me.

I was vain.

And I was sad,

Cause the words really hurt me.

But then there was the realization

It wasnt even about me.

Which is funny,

And pretty ironic,

As it had got to do with hashtags.

And guess what the object in the picture was.

It was all just a big fck you.

The love for you I have

Tries to tell me you did not mean it

Not that way, anyway.

But as the time goes by,

I can only feel more erased

By your silence.

And your ease.

May be it was even too much to ask

To not be forgotten.

As a lover,

But even as a friend.

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Heartbreak

Endship

A few months ago you were crying on my couch,

I listened, I gave advice, I was there for you,

you and her broke up and you were devastated.

but now you treat me as another one of your headaches.

I do not want anything romantic nor sexual from you.

I just want to have my friend in my life.

But I guess that would be a one way street forever,

as you seem to have met your future wife.

I’m just here being happy for you, 

She seems awesome and you are so in love,

doing all the things you never want to do with me,

so I guess you must be happy.

However, happiness I know is different,

it means people are upbeat and extra friendly,

But you seem to have some kind of tunnel vision,

forgetting about others, our friendship is done.

I feel so stupid for ever believing,

exes could be friends.

Cause people keep telling me, showing me,

that I believe in things that cannot be.

Not wanting to play the tiniest violin,

I decided to speak up to you.

Multiple times, on multiple occasions, I tried,

but you only think I am trying to pick a fight.

Just telling my friend I miss him,

makes him angry and mad.

Because I am forcing him to feel guilty,

and with that you are making me feel filthy.

I know you think you are better than me,

in some ways you probably are,

but at least I tried to speak the words,

and tried to heal before things get worse.

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Happiness

Freeze

You are so amazing,

yet you don’t even know.

Whenever I look at you,

I get anxiety,

Cause you will walk out that door.

You will walk out that door,

whenever you’ll know,

how I feel about you,

As I love you so.

It’s not the standard stuff that makes me love you,

It’s just looking at you.

Seeing your beauty, your ambition,

and your drive to make things right,

You’re such a strong person, with so much fight.

It’s amazing to me, how you offer so much love,

Even though you have missed out on that,

How you behave, how you act, how you carry yourself,

though you haven’t had a great example.

How do you do that, so amazingly,

Everytime it impresses me.

I love you, but there is so much more.

I appreciate you, as the person you are.

Makes me want to be around you all the time,

I feel complete when you are here.

In just a few weeks you have become so dear.

You are so dear to me, sometimes I struggle,

Sometimes I want everything to just freeze,

To give me a bit more time to take it all in,

To allow for my brain to not go for that weird spin,

But to know how to make you feel loved.

Love is all that you deserve,

Just love, hugs, and kisses.

I wish all the best for you,

And I would love to give it,

But if not, at least I had the freeze,

So I can go back to this moment and relive it.

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Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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Struggle, Therapy

Attention

Always looking, thinking its there,

This sense of being loved,

And yet never really believing it,

Which is so unfair.

 

It is not just unfair to me,

as I need to keep looking,

doing my best, giving my all,

not really letting other people be.

 

I ask so much, the cup is never full,

Do you think you can keep up?

No matter how much you will push,

Here I am, ready to pull.

 

Many have tried before you, dear,

Tried to make me feel the love,

Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,

But I can’t let go of this fear.

 

It seems impossible to give myself away,

just as impossible as it is to connect,

No matter how perfect you may be,

Somehow I can never stay.

 

I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,

As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,

Always needing other people,

Without them swiftly growing colder.

 

I should let my self love blossom,

like a pretty flower within,

but I can’t even create a seed,

nothing to pour this water on.

 

I am working on it, I know,

I need it for me, but mostly for you,

Can’t be treating people like this no more,

But what if it will never grow?

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Struggle

No control

You are sitting across the room,

Eyes wide open, scared a bit.

So many thoughts going through your head,

but yet, you can’t turn them around.

into something positive.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many things taunting the soul.

There are so many things I can’t control,

Even myself, as I am feeling awful.

 

You are uncomfortable with yourself,

Ashamed, not knowing how to act.

Though you being you is all the world wants.

And you being you is all you need.

So many roadblocks along your way.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

I do not wish to play this role.

There are so many things I can’t control,

I wish you knew you are beautiful.

 

I admire you for how you work your way through life,

Though I also see you struggle constantly.

So many people you want to please,

Trying hard to wear this mask.

I see right through you.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

So many things damaging the soul,

There are so many things I can’t control.

I cannot seem to reach you, at all.

 

I understand you have been hurt in the past,

but don’t you see your hurt,

reflecting in those eyes you are staring at?

Or are you just glaring over?

Afraid of the past.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many little moments you stole.

There are so many things I can’t control.

I did so much time but I’m still on parole.

 

Whenever you shut me out,

It is your hurt that is projecting on me.

I tried so hard, but I am so tired.

And you are too, yet you don’t give in.

How long will you continue on like this?

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

I can’t even control how things affect me,

There are so many things I can’t control,

I must work harder to be free.

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Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

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Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

 

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

 

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

 

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

 

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

 

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

 

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

 

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

 

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

 

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Therapy

Introduction

We all did this for ourselves

We had waited for half a year

And now the time had come

To show our weaknesses and fear.

 

No one was the same

and yet there was togetherness

people wanting to come together

though that was impossible in the flesh.

 

It took a while to get us there

It was scary, seeing the others,

We were so different, all of us,

Some workaholics, quiet types and mothers.

 

We all had taken a lot of steps to get here,

even though this was just the start,

All of us felt the necessity,

And the hole in our heart.

 

It is going to be a bumpy road,

one with many trials and tribulations,

one that will hopefully help these women,

as long as they have the patience.

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