Struggle

Obsess

I do not want to obsess over you

My mind keeps wondering

but I don’t want it to

I don’t like that pondering.

 

I should not want to want you

But one look and I am lost

I forget how to speak, what to do,

I forget the actual cost

 

The cost of my thoughts fading away

Turning into longing for this thing

You the hunter, I am your prey,

Dear brain, it’s just a fling.

 

I  do not wish for this wanting anymore,

Wanting something you can’t give

But here we are, on the floor,

My body happy, my brain combative.

 

It’s always been push and pull,

A constant battle of attention,

Me ending up the fool

Mistaking things for affection.

 

You are so sweet, yet so strange

So outspoken and yet so quiet

This is where I derange,

Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.

 

Next time, please do not look at me,

With your dark eyes, luring me in,

When our eyes meet I can’t see,

That it’s you kicking me in the shin.

 

Stay away from me with your hand,

Please don’t make me feel your touch,

Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,

And I am going to want too much.

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Struggle, Therapy

Attention

Always looking, thinking its there,

This sense of being loved,

And yet never really believing it,

Which is so unfair.

 

It is not just unfair to me,

as I need to keep looking,

doing my best, giving my all,

not really letting other people be.

 

I ask so much, the cup is never full,

Do you think you can keep up?

No matter how much you will push,

Here I am, ready to pull.

 

Many have tried before you, dear,

Tried to make me feel the love,

Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,

But I can’t let go of this fear.

 

It seems impossible to give myself away,

just as impossible as it is to connect,

No matter how perfect you may be,

Somehow I can never stay.

 

I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,

As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,

Always needing other people,

Without them swiftly growing colder.

 

I should let my self love blossom,

like a pretty flower within,

but I can’t even create a seed,

nothing to pour this water on.

 

I am working on it, I know,

I need it for me, but mostly for you,

Can’t be treating people like this no more,

But what if it will never grow?

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Struggle

No control

You are sitting across the room,

Eyes wide open, scared a bit.

So many thoughts going through your head,

but yet, you can’t turn them around.

into something positive.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many things taunting the soul.

There are so many things I can’t control,

Even myself, as I am feeling awful.

 

You are uncomfortable with yourself,

Ashamed, not knowing how to act.

Though you being you is all the world wants.

And you being you is all you need.

So many roadblocks along your way.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

I do not wish to play this role.

There are so many things I can’t control,

I wish you knew you are beautiful.

 

I admire you for how you work your way through life,

Though I also see you struggle constantly.

So many people you want to please,

Trying hard to wear this mask.

I see right through you.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

So many things damaging the soul,

There are so many things I can’t control.

I cannot seem to reach you, at all.

 

I understand you have been hurt in the past,

but don’t you see your hurt,

reflecting in those eyes you are staring at?

Or are you just glaring over?

Afraid of the past.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many little moments you stole.

There are so many things I can’t control.

I did so much time but I’m still on parole.

 

Whenever you shut me out,

It is your hurt that is projecting on me.

I tried so hard, but I am so tired.

And you are too, yet you don’t give in.

How long will you continue on like this?

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

I can’t even control how things affect me,

There are so many things I can’t control,

I must work harder to be free.

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Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

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Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

 

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

 

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

 

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

 

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

 

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

 

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

 

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

 

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

 

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Therapy

Introduction

We all did this for ourselves

We had waited for half a year

And now the time had come

To show our weaknesses and fear.

 

No one was the same

and yet there was togetherness

people wanting to come together

though that was impossible in the flesh.

 

It took a while to get us there

It was scary, seeing the others,

We were so different, all of us,

Some workaholics, quiet types and mothers.

 

We all had taken a lot of steps to get here,

even though this was just the start,

All of us felt the necessity,

And the hole in our heart.

 

It is going to be a bumpy road,

one with many trials and tribulations,

one that will hopefully help these women,

as long as they have the patience.

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Heartbreak

Cold and empty

You seem distracted,

Somethings definitely off,

I feel a tension arise within me,

the emptiness, the lack of love.

 

I can be pretty sensitive too, you know,

When it has started, it is done,

I noticed you stopped reaching,

and I can’t seem to overcome,

 

You mean way too much to me,
You have my heart in total control,

but on the other side there’s you,

your silence crushes my soul.

 

The warmth I feel for you,

it starts to fade away,

the cold is setting in,

I wish you’d just stay.

 

I haven’t even spoken to you,

but I know something is wrong,

I am counting the seconds until the end,

afraid of that moment you’ll be gone.

 

I am not sure if I can handle this,

this cold is just a little too familiar,

I can’t believe I am at this point again,

how could I’ve let things gone this far?

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Struggle

So close now

It started off as this thing,

we did just for fun,

but what I did not know then

is how things had only just begun.

 

You said there were no butterflies,
and I wasn’t sure if I should care,
my heart has been broken into a million pieces,

and then you were there.

 

Our start might have been a bit rocky,

though we were always good,

there were so many question marks,

until we both understood.

 

Two people that want to be together,

should just follow their hearts,

even if there is just mutual adoration,

and not some true love in the cards.

 

Now we have been together for a few months,

and we are growing closer, it shows,

even people around us notice our relationship,

as we stand together through highs and lows.

 

This will not be forever,

And you will find bigger love for certain,

until that time I will be here,

enjoying every moment, til destiny closes the curtain.

 

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Struggle

Trapped because of you

I woke up in the middle of the night,

It seemed I had been sleeping on your arm,
Yet you were laying there so peacefully,
waiting for your morning alarm.

 

You seems so comfortable around me,

It sometimes makes me jealous,

I wish I could feel so at ease with this,
but you still make me a bit nervous.


I notice it when I look at you too long,
I can sense the butterflies waking up,

Your beautiful face, my feelings so strong,
They are dangerous but I can’t make them stop.

You are a risk to me,
Something that I should avoid like the plague,

and yet something that I feel so connected with,

while also being very vague.

 

I do not want to avoid you at all,

Just to be there with you is what I long for,

you are making this nearly impossible,

windows won’t open when you close this door.

 

I feel trapped inside myself,

but yet it all is because of you,

you are a gift and a curse,

in a love that can’t be true.

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