Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

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Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

 

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

 

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

 

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

 

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

 

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

 

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

 

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

 

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

 

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Therapy

Introduction

We all did this for ourselves

We had waited for half a year

And now the time had come

To show our weaknesses and fear.

 

No one was the same

and yet there was togetherness

people wanting to come together

though that was impossible in the flesh.

 

It took a while to get us there

It was scary, seeing the others,

We were so different, all of us,

Some workaholics, quiet types and mothers.

 

We all had taken a lot of steps to get here,

even though this was just the start,

All of us felt the necessity,

And the hole in our heart.

 

It is going to be a bumpy road,

one with many trials and tribulations,

one that will hopefully help these women,

as long as they have the patience.

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Heartbreak

Cold and empty

You seem distracted,

Somethings definitely off,

I feel a tension arise within me,

the emptiness, the lack of love.

 

I can be pretty sensitive too, you know,

When it has started, it is done,

I noticed you stopped reaching,

and I can’t seem to overcome,

 

You mean way too much to me,
You have my heart in total control,

but on the other side there’s you,

your silence crushes my soul.

 

The warmth I feel for you,

it starts to fade away,

the cold is setting in,

I wish you’d just stay.

 

I haven’t even spoken to you,

but I know something is wrong,

I am counting the seconds until the end,

afraid of that moment you’ll be gone.

 

I am not sure if I can handle this,

this cold is just a little too familiar,

I can’t believe I am at this point again,

how could I’ve let things gone this far?

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Struggle

So close now

It started off as this thing,

we did just for fun,

but what I did not know then

is how things had only just begun.

 

You said there were no butterflies,
and I wasn’t sure if I should care,
my heart has been broken into a million pieces,

and then you were there.

 

Our start might have been a bit rocky,

though we were always good,

there were so many question marks,

until we both understood.

 

Two people that want to be together,

should just follow their hearts,

even if there is just mutual adoration,

and not some true love in the cards.

 

Now we have been together for a few months,

and we are growing closer, it shows,

even people around us notice our relationship,

as we stand together through highs and lows.

 

This will not be forever,

And you will find bigger love for certain,

until that time I will be here,

enjoying every moment, til destiny closes the curtain.

 

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Struggle

Trapped because of you

I woke up in the middle of the night,

It seemed I had been sleeping on your arm,
Yet you were laying there so peacefully,
waiting for your morning alarm.

 

You seems so comfortable around me,

It sometimes makes me jealous,

I wish I could feel so at ease with this,
but you still make me a bit nervous.


I notice it when I look at you too long,
I can sense the butterflies waking up,

Your beautiful face, my feelings so strong,
They are dangerous but I can’t make them stop.

You are a risk to me,
Something that I should avoid like the plague,

and yet something that I feel so connected with,

while also being very vague.

 

I do not want to avoid you at all,

Just to be there with you is what I long for,

you are making this nearly impossible,

windows won’t open when you close this door.

 

I feel trapped inside myself,

but yet it all is because of you,

you are a gift and a curse,

in a love that can’t be true.

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Struggle

Old-fashioned

You are the old fashioned type,
Being all gentlemen-like, so smooth.
So we were wrong from the get-go,
As I was the person to make the first move.

 

You are so many years younger than me,
And so many more than the guy before,
But somehow I can’t take my eyes off you,
somehow I want you more.

 

Set up for failure, my love,
I do not understand the allure, my love,
But somehow I can’t get enough,
I can’t get enough.

When we are at the club,

I dance, I smile, being at my best,

then some guy comes up to me,

and you respond real fast.

 

You get jealous at the blink of an eye,

there is that classic man again,

Am I mistaken possession for love,

Are you my lover, or just a friend?

 

Set up for failure, my love,
I do not understand the allure, my love,
But somehow I can’t get enough,
I can’t get enough.

 

You say you hate your house,

a great location but that is it,

But if I ask you to live with me,

you don’t seem to think it’ll fit.

 

Does it not fit in your heart,
to love me, deeply and dearly,
or do you not see a future here,

even though I see it so clearly?

 

Set up for failure, my love,
I do not understand the allure, my love,
But somehow I can’t get enough,
I can’t get enough.

 

We are just set up for failure man,

I cannot seem to understand.

And yet I cannot walkt away

I just want to be with you another day.

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Struggle

Healing

Again, this is my older stuff, I was 17 years old when I wrote it, and for once it is not about boyfriends/girlfriends:
Thinking about it all day
Shall I tell them, would they care?
It doesn’t matter what I say,
Cause they’ll never be fair.

It always is a 2 tot 1 situation,
I´m always alone.
Now I’m facing it.
Is this my home?

I can speak my mind,
I can’t be who I am.
My aprents are just staring blind,
They think they know who I am.

Well, now I took the step.
I told them about my plan.
But they did not want to listen,
They think I don’t need a healing man.

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Struggle

Young girl

It’s funny the subject of this poem is a young girl, as I literally wrote this one when I was way younger: 16 years old to be precise:

I’m a youn girl with a life to live,
But I am not too young to know what I feel.
I’ve got so much to give.
And I know my feelings are real.

When I say you are handsome,
Or when I say that I care,
Don’t ask me where that came from,
Just see that it’s there.

I’m a young girl who is a little insecure,
So I can be depressed at a time,
But of love, you can’t ever be sure,
What I feel in this heart of mine.

You can even imagine, never,
Trust me, I know my little heart.
Though I might not be very clever,
You will always own a part.

Cause I am a young girl who might fall,
But my love, you have it all.

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