Struggle, Therapy

Attention

Always looking, thinking its there,

This sense of being loved,

And yet never really believing it,

Which is so unfair.

 

It is not just unfair to me,

as I need to keep looking,

doing my best, giving my all,

not really letting other people be.

 

I ask so much, the cup is never full,

Do you think you can keep up?

No matter how much you will push,

Here I am, ready to pull.

 

Many have tried before you, dear,

Tried to make me feel the love,

Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,

But I can’t let go of this fear.

 

It seems impossible to give myself away,

just as impossible as it is to connect,

No matter how perfect you may be,

Somehow I can never stay.

 

I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,

As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,

Always needing other people,

Without them swiftly growing colder.

 

I should let my self love blossom,

like a pretty flower within,

but I can’t even create a seed,

nothing to pour this water on.

 

I am working on it, I know,

I need it for me, but mostly for you,

Can’t be treating people like this no more,

But what if it will never grow?

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Struggle, Therapy

Thunder

It’s thunder season,

The hot days end with rain pouring,

Couldn’t be more accurate,

as you will be gone in the morning.

 

People always say:

aren’t you afraid of the thunder?

Not the weather my friend,

it’s my brain going under.

 

Like the headache that pops up,

whenever there is lightning ahead,

I can predict my emotions,

I know that I am gonna be bad.

 

I am going to be a sad woman,

curled up in her little room,

not knowing what to do with these emotions,

getting overwhelmed by doom.

 

I am uncomfortably unable,

to deal with the thunder within me,

I know it is coming,

yet I don’t know how to deal.

 

Knowing is the first step to getting better,

Pretty words that mean nothing to me now,

Cause I am close to the end of the line,

about to jump and drown.

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Therapy

Haunting

I thought I was talking to your sister,

when I told her in a chatroom that I was struggling,

but yet, it was you,

making me block this amazing friend out of my life.

 

I thought I was going out,

when I was cycling to my favorite pub

But there it was, your car, following me,

And my friend felt unsafe.

 

And there were were, arrived at the pub,

A bit taken aback by what just happened,

When the alcohol started to work,

You suddenly popped up.

 

May be it were the drugs in your brain,

a dangerous cocktail to go with a bad mental state,

But as you stood there, I hardly recognized you,

And I had just seen you a week before.

 

You haunted me like this for a long time,

Constantly calling, I couldn’t even use my phone,

And bothering my parents,

when phoning in the middle of the night at my home.

 

Just chasing me around, ruining friendships,

it was not quite enough for you.

If you couldn’t have me, no one could,

is what you must have thought when driving up to my home that night

 

As you parked your car I had to chase my date away,

A boy who had nothing to do with you, with this situation,

I let him leave though the garden,

cause I was afraid of what you might do.

 

Cause it wasn’t just you bothering me,

you certainly knew how to drag everyone down,

and you did not keep things friendly,

when you said you would end my life.

 

Your behavior has stayed with me,

Even when I moved away to a different city,

When I started my new life,

The trauma of you stuck by me.

 

That is no living, no freedom,

it is something future boyfriends had to deal with,

Even close friends have had to cope with this part of me,

as I find it hard to trust.

 

I should not be scared when an anonymous phone number pops up on my screen,

I should not feel bad about people lovingly trying to surprise me,

I should not have to feel afraid for someone to know my last name,

but after all those years you still haunt me.

 

It seems to get worse when I talk about it more,

Will it ever go away?

Sometimes I wonder if this is what you intended,

tainting my life, haunting my mind, forever.

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Struggle

No control

You are sitting across the room,

Eyes wide open, scared a bit.

So many thoughts going through your head,

but yet, you can’t turn them around.

into something positive.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many things taunting the soul.

There are so many things I can’t control,

Even myself, as I am feeling awful.

 

You are uncomfortable with yourself,

Ashamed, not knowing how to act.

Though you being you is all the world wants.

And you being you is all you need.

So many roadblocks along your way.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

I do not wish to play this role.

There are so many things I can’t control,

I wish you knew you are beautiful.

 

I admire you for how you work your way through life,

Though I also see you struggle constantly.

So many people you want to please,

Trying hard to wear this mask.

I see right through you.

 

There are so many things I can’t control.

So many things damaging the soul,

There are so many things I can’t control.

I cannot seem to reach you, at all.

 

I understand you have been hurt in the past,

but don’t you see your hurt,

reflecting in those eyes you are staring at?

Or are you just glaring over?

Afraid of the past.

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

So many little moments you stole.

There are so many things I can’t control.

I did so much time but I’m still on parole.

 

Whenever you shut me out,

It is your hurt that is projecting on me.

I tried so hard, but I am so tired.

And you are too, yet you don’t give in.

How long will you continue on like this?

 

There are so many things I can’t control,

I can’t even control how things affect me,

There are so many things I can’t control,

I must work harder to be free.

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Happiness

Postcard

A creative picture, a funny remark,

Something familiar, and something brand new.

It’s pretty like a postcard.

And you are one of the lucky few.

 

One of the people receiving this card,

Filled with joy and interesting facts.

But at the same time forced.

A social construct that will last.

 

It often doesn’t matter what is on the back.

The front tells what people want to say.

The words written by pen are just fillers.

Or shallow things no one cares about anyway.

 

People often find me pleasant as a postcard

As a kind greeting at a safe distance.

And they might search for the back,

Lovers, family members, even friends.

 

I’d love to help out, but you see, I can’t.

I am not sure what I can offer you,

Not sure if the picture on the front is real,

Not sure if my feelings about it are true.

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Therapy

Hey girl

Hey girl,

I see you,

sitting there,

worrying.

 

It’s not you, you know.

It’s not in your hands.

You can’t control everything

You can’t control anything.

 

Try to take things as they are, girl

You worrying won’t change a thing

Don’t be afraid of your feelings,

Even if they get hurt.

 

Later you will live,

and live to the fullest,

Love, and love to the fullest

because of those feelings, girl.

 

Stop thinking about that nonsense

you think makes so much sense.

Don’t try so hard,

cause it will destroy you.

 

You might not feel it yet,

as it will not destroy you just like that.

It will secretly break away pieces,

pieces of you, that are hard to get back.

 

Hey girl,

you deserve better,

than those thoughts haunting you.

stealing from you.

 

You should live a little,

don’t look back.

Not even for a second.

Go forward girl.

 

They might walk away,

hurt you in the process,

but don’t you know

your mind is a silent killer?

 

You are your own greatest martyr,

You love to think yourself numb.

Just because you don’t want to lose,

Don’t let your brain get away with that.

 

Hey girl,

Don’t poison yourself.

Love yourself.

So eventually, you can see others might love you too.

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Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

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Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

 

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

 

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

 

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

 

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

 

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

 

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

 

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

 

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

 

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

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Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Therapy

Shedding tears

We had just met.

Not even in person.

Simply online.

All of us, screens.

And yet you were there.

Crying.

 

Were we a group?

Did we already bond?

How did you do it?

Shedding a tear in front

of everybody.

Opening up.

 

I sat there and watched.

as you were getting upset.

People listening to you.

For a second there.

Your pain came through so pure.

I felt it.

 

Of course I knew.

this wouldn’t last.

like no feeling ever would.

I sat there, robotic.

Looking at it.

While turning into stone.

 

In a play.

Who wants to be the stone.

Who wants to bore others.

By merely existing in the room.

A mechanism so strong.

I couldn’t feel it.

 

So I just sat there.

Observing.

Admiring you for your strength.

Daring to open up.

To complete strangers.

Who soon should be allies.

 

I do not want to lose myself.

But change is needed.

Facing the facts.

Or better yet: letting them go.

So I can focus.

And eventually feel, like her.

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