Heartbreak

Endship

A few months ago you were crying on my couch,

I listened, I gave advice, I was there for you,

you and her broke up and you were devastated.

but now you treat me as another one of your headaches.

I do not want anything romantic nor sexual from you.

I just want to have my friend in my life.

But I guess that would be a one way street forever,

as you seem to have met your future wife.

I’m just here being happy for you, 

She seems awesome and you are so in love,

doing all the things you never want to do with me,

so I guess you must be happy.

However, happiness I know is different,

it means people are upbeat and extra friendly,

But you seem to have some kind of tunnel vision,

forgetting about others, our friendship is done.

I feel so stupid for ever believing,

exes could be friends.

Cause people keep telling me, showing me,

that I believe in things that cannot be.

Not wanting to play the tiniest violin,

I decided to speak up to you.

Multiple times, on multiple occasions, I tried,

but you only think I am trying to pick a fight.

Just telling my friend I miss him,

makes him angry and mad.

Because I am forcing him to feel guilty,

and with that you are making me feel filthy.

I know you think you are better than me,

in some ways you probably are,

but at least I tried to speak the words,

and tried to heal before things get worse.

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Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

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Happiness

Lioness

I used to know you,

just a little, not too much

We’d hang out,

and casually stayed in touch..

 

Something I couldn’t do at the time.

I wanted someone just for me.

But now I realize that this is something 

we could never be.

 

You are lovely.

I tend to forget.

Cause you are vague.

And just a friend.

 

Just another dude in my life

A friend with a benefit,

Someone to just Netflix and chill,

Someone to casually be with.

 

I used to think I could not do it

But I used to think you were odd,

Now I have never been more ready,

Though I still like you, a lot.

 

I do not need you as the only one,

But I do need some acknowledgement,

We are nothing, but we are special,

Somehow you are not just a friend.

 

You can’t be, cause you are beautiful,

When I look at you, I feel like a lioness,

Your beautiful face looking up at me,

Your hands that simply know how to caress.

 

There is so much love between us,

And yet there is nothing at all,

Not knowing where this is headed,

but both prepared to take the fall. 

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Struggle, Therapy

Attention

Always looking, thinking its there,

This sense of being loved,

And yet never really believing it,

Which is so unfair.

 

It is not just unfair to me,

as I need to keep looking,

doing my best, giving my all,

not really letting other people be.

 

I ask so much, the cup is never full,

Do you think you can keep up?

No matter how much you will push,

Here I am, ready to pull.

 

Many have tried before you, dear,

Tried to make me feel the love,

Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,

But I can’t let go of this fear.

 

It seems impossible to give myself away,

just as impossible as it is to connect,

No matter how perfect you may be,

Somehow I can never stay.

 

I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,

As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,

Always needing other people,

Without them swiftly growing colder.

 

I should let my self love blossom,

like a pretty flower within,

but I can’t even create a seed,

nothing to pour this water on.

 

I am working on it, I know,

I need it for me, but mostly for you,

Can’t be treating people like this no more,

But what if it will never grow?

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Struggle, Therapy

Thunder

It’s thunder season,

The hot days end with rain pouring,

Couldn’t be more accurate,

as you will be gone in the morning.

 

People always say:

aren’t you afraid of the thunder?

Not the weather my friend,

it’s my brain going under.

 

Like the headache that pops up,

whenever there is lightning ahead,

I can predict my emotions,

I know that I am gonna be bad.

 

I am going to be a sad woman,

curled up in her little room,

not knowing what to do with these emotions,

getting overwhelmed by doom.

 

I am uncomfortably unable,

to deal with the thunder within me,

I know it is coming,

yet I don’t know how to deal.

 

Knowing is the first step to getting better,

Pretty words that mean nothing to me now,

Cause I am close to the end of the line,

about to jump and drown.

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Therapy

Haunting

I thought I was talking to your sister,

when I told her in a chatroom that I was struggling,

but yet, it was you,

making me block this amazing friend out of my life.

 

I thought I was going out,

when I was cycling to my favorite pub

But there it was, your car, following me,

And my friend felt unsafe.

 

And there were were, arrived at the pub,

A bit taken aback by what just happened,

When the alcohol started to work,

You suddenly popped up.

 

May be it were the drugs in your brain,

a dangerous cocktail to go with a bad mental state,

But as you stood there, I hardly recognized you,

And I had just seen you a week before.

 

You haunted me like this for a long time,

Constantly calling, I couldn’t even use my phone,

And bothering my parents,

when phoning in the middle of the night at my home.

 

Just chasing me around, ruining friendships,

it was not quite enough for you.

If you couldn’t have me, no one could,

is what you must have thought when driving up to my home that night

 

As you parked your car I had to chase my date away,

A boy who had nothing to do with you, with this situation,

I let him leave though the garden,

cause I was afraid of what you might do.

 

Cause it wasn’t just you bothering me,

you certainly knew how to drag everyone down,

and you did not keep things friendly,

when you said you would end my life.

 

Your behavior has stayed with me,

Even when I moved away to a different city,

When I started my new life,

The trauma of you stuck by me.

 

That is no living, no freedom,

it is something future boyfriends had to deal with,

Even close friends have had to cope with this part of me,

as I find it hard to trust.

 

I should not be scared when an anonymous phone number pops up on my screen,

I should not feel bad about people lovingly trying to surprise me,

I should not have to feel afraid for someone to know my last name,

but after all those years you still haunt me.

 

It seems to get worse when I talk about it more,

Will it ever go away?

Sometimes I wonder if this is what you intended,

tainting my life, haunting my mind, forever.

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Struggle

The buildup

Everything is fine, until its not.

Until one little thing ticks her off.

Is it really her though?

 

It only needs one thing to start the chain reaction

One thing to let the domino’s fall.

One by one.

 

But the domino’s go faster,

so fast they start to heat up.

So fast they burn.

 

Unstoppable, they just go on,

The fire destroys everything in its way

It only takes a few seconds.

 

Everything is burnt down, black,

Leaving behind this nothingness.

Like an empty field where nothing can grow.

 

And in this burnt down place,

there is a girl screaming,

not understanding what just happened.

 

As if she is not really there,

even though she feels those domino’s fall,

one by one.

 

She feels the fire from within,

But yet she chooses to wash in sin,

Can she do nothing but give in?

 

She can only look back,

It’s too late to set them up straight,

They are gone now.

 

She can only look at the blackness

The blackness they left behind

And again start a fight against more dominos coming.

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Therapy

Hey girl

Hey girl,

I see you,

sitting there,

worrying.

 

It’s not you, you know.

It’s not in your hands.

You can’t control everything

You can’t control anything.

 

Try to take things as they are, girl

You worrying won’t change a thing

Don’t be afraid of your feelings,

Even if they get hurt.

 

Later you will live,

and live to the fullest,

Love, and love to the fullest

because of those feelings, girl.

 

Stop thinking about that nonsense

you think makes so much sense.

Don’t try so hard,

cause it will destroy you.

 

You might not feel it yet,

as it will not destroy you just like that.

It will secretly break away pieces,

pieces of you, that are hard to get back.

 

Hey girl,

you deserve better,

than those thoughts haunting you.

stealing from you.

 

You should live a little,

don’t look back.

Not even for a second.

Go forward girl.

 

They might walk away,

hurt you in the process,

but don’t you know

your mind is a silent killer?

 

You are your own greatest martyr,

You love to think yourself numb.

Just because you don’t want to lose,

Don’t let your brain get away with that.

 

Hey girl,

Don’t poison yourself.

Love yourself.

So eventually, you can see others might love you too.

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Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

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Therapy

Shedding tears

We had just met.

Not even in person.

Simply online.

All of us, screens.

And yet you were there.

Crying.

 

Were we a group?

Did we already bond?

How did you do it?

Shedding a tear in front

of everybody.

Opening up.

 

I sat there and watched.

as you were getting upset.

People listening to you.

For a second there.

Your pain came through so pure.

I felt it.

 

Of course I knew.

this wouldn’t last.

like no feeling ever would.

I sat there, robotic.

Looking at it.

While turning into stone.

 

In a play.

Who wants to be the stone.

Who wants to bore others.

By merely existing in the room.

A mechanism so strong.

I couldn’t feel it.

 

So I just sat there.

Observing.

Admiring you for your strength.

Daring to open up.

To complete strangers.

Who soon should be allies.

 

I do not want to lose myself.

But change is needed.

Facing the facts.

Or better yet: letting them go.

So I can focus.

And eventually feel, like her.

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