Tag Archives: borderline

Struggle

Unattainable

He is not what I want

Defenitely not what I need

But when I look into his eyes

I fall at his feet.

He is not the one for me

He is not even close

He does not act like he wants to be

I get his thorns, but who gets the rose?

Roses are beautiful,

but a bit less, when you realize they’re not for you

They belong to someone else

And that is your truth

You can look at them,

really take that beauty in

may be even feel the soft petals

knowing it may be a sin

Knowing you are getting yourself in trouble

Cause you know your eyes go soft

when they see that red velvet

mistaking it for love

Girl, don’t you know

Dealing with thorns won’t get you to the flower

As long as you get so weak around him

You’re just giving him all your power

You need that for you,

to make your rose bloom and grow

Create the reddest red

cause the right person will know.

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Struggle

5 wishes

I’ve got five wishes

I want someone to be a loving person

I want them to be up for fun things

And not just that, but also to come up with fun things.

I want them to be clear to me, just answer me

And I want them to show a little effort.

Five wishes and yet it feels like too much

They don’t have to be gorgeous

They don’t have to buy me things

They don’t need to fix things for me

They don’t even have to want just me

I just want them to be a certain type of person

A little bit of me, but then able to love me more

Why does it feel so unattainable

Why does it feel like they don’t exist

I always saw myself as the low maintenance one

But may be that is just not want they want?

It’s just not me to be playing games

I refuse to wait 1.5 hours before texting someone back

I am not gonna ask a lot of a person, just to feel important

I will not make someone life difficult, just as a test

I don’t think that has to do anything with love

That’s possession, and I am not for that.

I just want to love someone

spend time with someone

and basically my wish is one: for someone to actually want to spend time with me too.

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Struggle

Dear Madonna

‘Borderline, feels like I’m going to lose my mind’

She sang, like she knew what she was singing about.

However, dear Madonna, that is not quite how it all works.

Let me explain why you are a fraud.

Borderline does not feel like you are about to lose your mind,

It feels like you’ve lost it ages ago,

and it suddenly shows again.

And not in a fun way though.

It’s never just the one thing either,

It always comes in chaos,

It is overwhelming, you can’t see clearly,

it just busts down any doors.

Doors in your mind you thought were safe,

Storing that trauma perfectly,

All getting bust down,

Showing all the ugly.

So no Madonna, it hasn’t got to do with anything,

that you sing about.

It has nothing to do with love,

it just comes over as one dark cloud.

Nothing cutesy, nothing to appreciate,

just hard work to keep it all together,

and for loved ones not to worry,

and just wait for sunny weather.

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Heartbreak

Loveletter

You have been quiet,

as you should.

Cause we discussed,

that we would.

But now the thought of you 

it’s lingering in my head.

What are you doing right now?

Are you just as upset?

I can’t send you a message,

Had to get rid of your number,

and for a while I was okay,

but now, once again, you slumber.

You are so far away,

but always right here,

like a bear hibernating,

unreachable, yet dangerously near.

I suppose this is it,

my loveletter to you.

In all those years, 

Our love is still true.

I want to wish you the best,

I know that the best for me too,

but somehow it never really feels that way,

As my mind is still stuck on you.

I wish my loveletter could contain that wish,

a happy life, a great love, everything,

but somehow I can’t write those words,

I think about it, Fly On Little Wing.

Feels like I am walking through the clouds,

my mind being total all over the place,

Not just sadness, happy things too,

And sometimes a picture of your face.

I should leave you alone,

Riding the wind, just me,

This is simply how my brain works,

And why it will never be free.

I am alright though,

I do not care whatever you take,

Whatever space you need inside of me,

But let me have it, for heavens sake.

Please let me have my loveletter,

a small space just for that purpose,

It is my own little blessing,

and yet my own little curse.

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Heartbreak

Endship

A few months ago you were crying on my couch,

I listened, I gave advice, I was there for you,

you and her broke up and you were devastated.

but now you treat me as another one of your headaches.

I do not want anything romantic nor sexual from you.

I just want to have my friend in my life.

But I guess that would be a one way street forever,

as you seem to have met your future wife.

I’m just here being happy for you, 

She seems awesome and you are so in love,

doing all the things you never want to do with me,

so I guess you must be happy.

However, happiness I know is different,

it means people are upbeat and extra friendly,

But you seem to have some kind of tunnel vision,

forgetting about others, our friendship is done.

I feel so stupid for ever believing,

exes could be friends.

Cause people keep telling me, showing me,

that I believe in things that cannot be.

Not wanting to play the tiniest violin,

I decided to speak up to you.

Multiple times, on multiple occasions, I tried,

but you only think I am trying to pick a fight.

Just telling my friend I miss him,

makes him angry and mad.

Because I am forcing him to feel guilty,

and with that you are making me feel filthy.

I know you think you are better than me,

in some ways you probably are,

but at least I tried to speak the words,

and tried to heal before things get worse.

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Struggle

Insecure

You tell me things about your past,

I am unsure,

should I appreciate you for opening up,

or should I worry about the contents of it.

I know you were bad news,

I knew it right when I saw you.

Yet there was something about you,

That made me try it anyway.

Was it really something about you?

Might as well been all about me.

Always searching for this odd confirmation,

from people I do not even know.

You nearly fucked me today,

Right on top of me, after an awesome date,

I saw that fire in your eyes,

but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.

I knew you were a bad boy,

but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.

I am too insecure for this,

the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.

So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,

Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,

But those hands on private places,

They will always bring me back.

When things go too fast, too easy,

your routine does not work for me.

I can see right through you,

but yet I don’t know what to do.

So mister bad news,

I see what you are doing here,

You forgot I am a journalist,

And now I have questions.

I wonder so much about the answer,

No stone will be left unturned.

Have I been right about you all along,

or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?

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Happiness

Lioness

I used to know you,

just a little, not too much

We’d hang out,

and casually stayed in touch..

 

Something I couldn’t do at the time.

I wanted someone just for me.

But now I realize that this is something 

we could never be.

 

You are lovely.

I tend to forget.

Cause you are vague.

And just a friend.

 

Just another dude in my life

A friend with a benefit,

Someone to just Netflix and chill,

Someone to casually be with.

 

I used to think I could not do it

But I used to think you were odd,

Now I have never been more ready,

Though I still like you, a lot.

 

I do not need you as the only one,

But I do need some acknowledgement,

We are nothing, but we are special,

Somehow you are not just a friend.

 

You can’t be, cause you are beautiful,

When I look at you, I feel like a lioness,

Your beautiful face looking up at me,

Your hands that simply know how to caress.

 

There is so much love between us,

And yet there is nothing at all,

Not knowing where this is headed,

but both prepared to take the fall. 

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Struggle, Therapy

Attention

Always looking, thinking its there,

This sense of being loved,

And yet never really believing it,

Which is so unfair.

 

It is not just unfair to me,

as I need to keep looking,

doing my best, giving my all,

not really letting other people be.

 

I ask so much, the cup is never full,

Do you think you can keep up?

No matter how much you will push,

Here I am, ready to pull.

 

Many have tried before you, dear,

Tried to make me feel the love,

Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,

But I can’t let go of this fear.

 

It seems impossible to give myself away,

just as impossible as it is to connect,

No matter how perfect you may be,

Somehow I can never stay.

 

I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,

As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,

Always needing other people,

Without them swiftly growing colder.

 

I should let my self love blossom,

like a pretty flower within,

but I can’t even create a seed,

nothing to pour this water on.

 

I am working on it, I know,

I need it for me, but mostly for you,

Can’t be treating people like this no more,

But what if it will never grow?

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Struggle, Therapy

Thunder

It’s thunder season,

The hot days end with rain pouring,

Couldn’t be more accurate,

as you will be gone in the morning.

 

People always say:

aren’t you afraid of the thunder?

Not the weather my friend,

it’s my brain going under.

 

Like the headache that pops up,

whenever there is lightning ahead,

I can predict my emotions,

I know that I am gonna be bad.

 

I am going to be a sad woman,

curled up in her little room,

not knowing what to do with these emotions,

getting overwhelmed by doom.

 

I am uncomfortably unable,

to deal with the thunder within me,

I know it is coming,

yet I don’t know how to deal.

 

Knowing is the first step to getting better,

Pretty words that mean nothing to me now,

Cause I am close to the end of the line,

about to jump and drown.

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Therapy

Haunting

I thought I was talking to your sister,

when I told her in a chatroom that I was struggling,

but yet, it was you,

making me block this amazing friend out of my life.

 

I thought I was going out,

when I was cycling to my favorite pub

But there it was, your car, following me,

And my friend felt unsafe.

 

And there were were, arrived at the pub,

A bit taken aback by what just happened,

When the alcohol started to work,

You suddenly popped up.

 

May be it were the drugs in your brain,

a dangerous cocktail to go with a bad mental state,

But as you stood there, I hardly recognized you,

And I had just seen you a week before.

 

You haunted me like this for a long time,

Constantly calling, I couldn’t even use my phone,

And bothering my parents,

when phoning in the middle of the night at my home.

 

Just chasing me around, ruining friendships,

it was not quite enough for you.

If you couldn’t have me, no one could,

is what you must have thought when driving up to my home that night

 

As you parked your car I had to chase my date away,

A boy who had nothing to do with you, with this situation,

I let him leave though the garden,

cause I was afraid of what you might do.

 

Cause it wasn’t just you bothering me,

you certainly knew how to drag everyone down,

and you did not keep things friendly,

when you said you would end my life.

 

Your behavior has stayed with me,

Even when I moved away to a different city,

When I started my new life,

The trauma of you stuck by me.

 

That is no living, no freedom,

it is something future boyfriends had to deal with,

Even close friends have had to cope with this part of me,

as I find it hard to trust.

 

I should not be scared when an anonymous phone number pops up on my screen,

I should not feel bad about people lovingly trying to surprise me,

I should not have to feel afraid for someone to know my last name,

but after all those years you still haunt me.

 

It seems to get worse when I talk about it more,

Will it ever go away?

Sometimes I wonder if this is what you intended,

tainting my life, haunting my mind, forever.

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