Therapy

Hey girl

Hey girl,

I see you,

sitting there,

worrying.

 

It’s not you, you know.

It’s not in your hands.

You can’t control everything

You can’t control anything.

 

Try to take things as they are, girl

You worrying won’t change a thing

Don’t be afraid of your feelings,

Even if they get hurt.

 

Later you will live,

and live to the fullest,

Love, and love to the fullest

because of those feelings, girl.

 

Stop thinking about that nonsense

you think makes so much sense.

Don’t try so hard,

cause it will destroy you.

 

You might not feel it yet,

as it will not destroy you just like that.

It will secretly break away pieces,

pieces of you, that are hard to get back.

 

Hey girl,

you deserve better,

than those thoughts haunting you.

stealing from you.

 

You should live a little,

don’t look back.

Not even for a second.

Go forward girl.

 

They might walk away,

hurt you in the process,

but don’t you know

your mind is a silent killer?

 

You are your own greatest martyr,

You love to think yourself numb.

Just because you don’t want to lose,

Don’t let your brain get away with that.

 

Hey girl,

Don’t poison yourself.

Love yourself.

So eventually, you can see others might love you too.

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Therapy

Shedding tears

We had just met.

Not even in person.

Simply online.

All of us, screens.

And yet you were there.

Crying.

 

Were we a group?

Did we already bond?

How did you do it?

Shedding a tear in front

of everybody.

Opening up.

 

I sat there and watched.

as you were getting upset.

People listening to you.

For a second there.

Your pain came through so pure.

I felt it.

 

Of course I knew.

this wouldn’t last.

like no feeling ever would.

I sat there, robotic.

Looking at it.

While turning into stone.

 

In a play.

Who wants to be the stone.

Who wants to bore others.

By merely existing in the room.

A mechanism so strong.

I couldn’t feel it.

 

So I just sat there.

Observing.

Admiring you for your strength.

Daring to open up.

To complete strangers.

Who soon should be allies.

 

I do not want to lose myself.

But change is needed.

Facing the facts.

Or better yet: letting them go.

So I can focus.

And eventually feel, like her.

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Struggle

Not my part

In my life I got to play,
my fair share of roles,
Whatever someone needed,
I tried to be that or something close.

 

Now that I am being myself,
a little bit more, day by day,
there is something I can’t seem to shake,
there is a role I cannot play.

 

There is something I cannot do for you,
You need it so bad and I know,
I want to be there, make you feel good,
but at the moment you are too low.

 

It is so hard cause I want to pick you up,
Make you feel high,
See you as the amazing girl you are,
Knowing that I can’t makes me want to cry.

 

Please know I’ll do everything in my power,
To make you feel like the special girl you are,
I wish you the world,
And I feel so strongly that you will get far.

 

If I can help you get there,
It would be my honor,
I wish you would not worry so much,
I wish you didn’t have to bother.

 

I am standing on the sideline,
I want to take the pain away,
Do anything to make you feel better
Even leave if you need someone else to stay,

 

You deserve so much more than,
what this world has to offer,
I just wish the world would hand it to you,
so you did not have to suffer.

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Struggle

Faith?

Well, I guess it would be nice
If you would stop popping up
You don’t even know,
But you’re still in my head, just stop.

 

I know not everybody has got a body like you,
One that will push itself against someone else,
A person saying no, crying.
While you knew exactly how she felt.

 

But I gotta think twice,
Cause I can’t seem to get over this,
And the way you handled it,
And the things about you I still miss.

 

I know all the games you play,
Cause now I gotta play them too.
I must become someone else,
To free my brain from those parts of you.

 

I need some time off from that emotion,
Just so I can actually feel again,
Start being real again,
Start having healthy relationships with men.

 

Time to pick my heart up off the floor,
To take back what is mine,
Which has been yours for too long,
To honestly say I’m fine.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can do it all by myself,
I might need some help from others,
But not you, that’d be bad for my health.

 

I gotta have faith,
Cause my river has become an ocean,
Not made for crushing you,
But for crushing what happened then.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can free myself from the memory,
Reprogram my brain with some help,
And make for a much better story.

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Struggle

Whole

Sometimes I feel I left a piece of me inside you.
I didn’t leave it there because I wanted to.
Not sure it was on purpose at all.
All I know is there is this part of me, you carry with you.

You probably don’t even know it’s there.
There might never be a day you’ll think of it, discover it.
All I know is it is stuck with you,
And it is lost in me.

I left a piece of who I am,
A small bit of how I feel.
A fragment of my identity.
so many emotions, there are there.

They live in a place I’ll never reach.
And they are missing, I feel it.
I feel them not being there.
they were lost along the way.

I miss her. I miss that girl when she still was a whole.
I long for her to be back one day,
So I can feel again, breathe again.
Live again, with all the colors other people see.

I don’t get to see them now.
And you might be using them
Using them to live your life in full HD,
as you should.

It’s so easy to be reminded of them
cause they are so alive
they flutter like a thousand butterflies
with wings cutting me as they left.

Sometimes I’ll think about it
What if we were friends again.
How much I miss not only that part of me,
But also that past of us.

I know its gone, and in your case forgotten,
But I think about it often, as my mind will remind me.
Remind me of all these feelings, vibrating to get out,
To leave you and come back to me. To wonder and finally be free.

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Heartbreak

Not reliable

“Finally”, you sighed,

“everything is back to normal again”,

It had indeed been hectic,

But that is basically my life, my friend.

 

You wanted something to hold on to tightly,

Something to trust,

But I was checking out quietly.

Realizing what was my curse.

 

I can’t be stable, it’s just not me,

When I get stuck,

when I feel stuck,

All I want is to be free.

 

I am not treating you right by wanting this,

I know I am not, I know,

But this big old hole, it’s still in my heart,

cause there’s something I miss.

 

Something that will make me incomplete,

something that should have been there,

Maybe it’s unmendable,

Maybe it makes me obsolete.

 

It is hard to make this so much about my feelings,

Cause it will affect you,

Just like it will affect anyone around me,

And how to handle it, I have no clue.

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Sexy stuff

Choke

Your hands are tied around my neck,

The air has no way to go.

I enjoy it, but yet I am scared,

Do I care if you go too far?

 

You apply a little more pressure, just a bit,

I feel like I am high,

But at the same time so done with it.

Is this everything I am to you?

 

Am I just a little plaything,

a person to experiment on,

a mind to put to the test,

or do you understand what I am coming from?

 

Do you know why I love your hands around my neck?

Why I like you being unpredictable, taking things too far?

Are you aware I am addicted to the feeling,

of you and me being in this war?

 

This constant battle of push and pull,

this chokehold that is cutting my heart in two,

bound to love those fingers around my throat,

while secretly desiring us to be through.

 

You are the best that has happened to me,

But the worst too,

You are the most dangerous thing I’ve ever encountered,

At at the same time you are perfect to me, you.

 

You are a dance with the devil,

but the feeling is so divine,

My feelings are kept in the dark,

but they shine through at the same time.

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Struggle

Little lamb

Big eyes, looking at me,

expecting the world,

blinded by butterflies,

you are done being free.

 

I indulge myself in your love,

Addicted by your attention,

Knowing I’m doing you wrong,

But I can’t get enough.

 

You are like a lamb, so innocent,

cute and sweet,

Yet your way to the slaughterhouse.

I am not your friend.

 

I am taking you to this place of death,

I should be nothing to you,

Yet you keep looking at me, filled with love,

And to me that’s crystal meth.

 

A toxic affair, in love you fell,

You should not have cause I hold your leash,

Cant you tell I walk you to the butcher,

Frustrated with you, the urge to yell.

 

Break free and run through the woods,

Leave while you still can,

I am about to eat you alive,

and I am just damaged goods.

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Struggle

Cuteness

It is easy to be cute,

when you are always bad.

Just say one sweet thing,

and I am no longer mad.

 

You do drive me mad though,

I do not know how to handle you.

And you do not know what to do with me,

we both don’t seem to have a clue.

 

You can be sweet like sugar,

warm like the sun,

and then bang, cold as ice,

I should’ve been long gone.

 

Yet I am still here,

thinking about that handsome face,

feeling so happy to be in your arms,

wishing we could do this for days.

 

You are an amazing man,

but your insecurity torments me,

you are so unsure about everything,

yet somehow you do not set me free.

 

It feels so perfect when you are here,

when it is just us against the rest,

I know you feel the same way,

it’s just too bad time goes by so fast.

 

You make me forget what time it is,

you make me feel like loving a man,

a man that might not love me back,

but that I somehow understand.

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Struggle

Just like before

We cuddled when we met again,

it has been what, six years?

but now we are just friends,

nothing complicated, no lovers, no fears.

 

As we were standing there,

at the concert hall, way too close together,

I noticed how I did care,

how all of this actually did matter.

 

Sometimes you would look at me,

fascinated by how I was singing along,

I felt so happy and so free,

but I also knew, this was not about the song.

 

This was about us, what we have been,

And better yet, what we are now,

but what I could not have foreseen,

was that is was about our future somehow.

 

We were standing so close to one another,

You pressed your body against mine,

But weird enough I did not really bother,

cause it actually felt fine.

 

It felt like it was meant to be,

even when it was a fucked up thing,

You know you are special to me,

I warned you about me not being a fling.

 

And yet there it was, I am not sure how,

but our lips found each other naturally,

and I feel so confused right now.

Has this happened, really?

 

Who would know after all these years,

of grief and new opportunities, of love and loss,

Me getting over my fears, you crying your tears,

how our paths would somehow cross.

 

It is hard not to see it as destiny,

it is also hard to not to give in to this lust,

how do you, after all these years, still get to me,

after our relationship turned to dust.

 

All I know is you hold a special place in my heart,

and this might just be something solely about passion,

cause deep inside we are both scarred,

and outside we are deeply longing for attention.

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