Struggle

Walls up

You can talk to me,

You told her.

As a while from now no one will ask you

How you are doing.

My heart broke as I heard you speak

The girl that never wants to hear the question

So hey, how have you been?

The girl that even avoids the question at all times.

Later you told me you are so happy

That that guy that has not treated you well

Is so invested in your well-being

Asking you how you are doing, and really care about it too.

Dear friend,

I cry on the inside when you speak the words

Cause that same day I had this awful feeling all day

And I got the courage to finally ask you, hey how are you doing, knowing you would hate it.

And all I got was exactly what I expected.

Just a wall, a facade, saying haha I’m fine, you crazy

I can’t be there for my friend.

Not because I don’t want to

But because she won’t let me.

It’s up to her of course,

If she feels better confiding in Mr random,

Go ahead.

All I ask is don’t lie to me.

You know exactly what you are doing.

You can’t fool me

You are only fooling yourself.

And hurting me in the process.

For loving you and being by your side.

It’s not fair, and yet I can’t do anything about it.

Guess I’m just for fun.

Kinda like you were to that guy before

You now appreciate so much.

It’s all so contradictory

And it got me feeling handicapped, stupid, sad.

Telling myself this is just a phase,

Being debris in your devastating ways.

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Struggle

Whole

Sometimes I feel I left a piece of me inside you.
I didn’t leave it there because I wanted to.
Not sure it was on purpose at all.
All I know is there is this part of me, you carry with you.

You probably don’t even know it’s there.
There might never be a day you’ll think of it, discover it.
All I know is it is stuck with you,
And it is lost in me.

I left a piece of who I am,
A small bit of how I feel.
A fragment of my identity.
so many emotions, there are there.

They live in a place I’ll never reach.
And they are missing, I feel it.
I feel them not being there.
they were lost along the way.

I miss her. I miss that girl when she still was a whole.
I long for her to be back one day,
So I can feel again, breathe again.
Live again, with all the colors other people see.

I don’t get to see them now.
And you might be using them
Using them to live your life in full HD,
as you should.

It’s so easy to be reminded of them
cause they are so alive
they flutter like a thousand butterflies
with wings cutting me as they left.

Sometimes I’ll think about it
What if we were friends again.
How much I miss not only that part of me,
But also that past of us.

I know its gone, and in your case forgotten,
But I think about it often, as my mind will remind me.
Remind me of all these feelings, vibrating to get out,
To leave you and come back to me. To wonder and finally be free.

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Heartbreak

Hole

It is funny how it only takes one letter,
to make a hole whole again.
While in reality it takes a lifetime.
and many many wrong men.

She wanted to be loved,
she was longing for the big L O V E,
so many mistakes were made,
time and time she failed to see.

A huge krater was in her heart,
a black pit of nothingness,
it would never go away,
with no kiss, no caress.

as she grew older, nothing changed.
she is still longing for that special thing.
but she did not realise,
real love comes from within.

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Struggle

Sunny side

It seems so attractive to you,
Freedom, living life to the fullest,
Not caged in a perfect family picture,
Sounds good but let’s be honest.

You look into my life
from the sunny side.
So you don’t see the shadows,
the many lonely nights.

Do you realize handsome,
how you come home to your wife,
I come home to nothing at all,
An empty house, but a full life.

You look into my life,
from the sunny side.
You don’t see the dark stuff,
that never sees the light.

I know you want a piece of it.
Not sure if this is about me,
or perhaps just that sense of freedom,
this other person you want to be.

You look into my life,
from the sunny side.
You only see my smiles,
But not the tears I cried last night.

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Heartbreak

Not a good night

Why I am so stupid, loving a person that does not want my love.
Why am I addicted to pain so much, that I would even take it to the level of sorrow?
The physical pain I know, that is just cutting, letting go,
but the type of pain within the soul, it’s unbearable.

When I think about him, I am not sure if it is the love or the pain that takes my breath away.
Knowing he will never feel the same way about me,
Knowing I will always long for his love, which I am never to receive.
Knowing what I have always known: the real me is not worthy.

How silly of me to fall in love with the guy that does not want to be loved,
a guy that turns my eternal, everlasting love away, the good stuff.
A man so easy to hate, and yet so easy to love.
I can’t help myself but being totally invested in him.

It kills me, slowly, but surely.
The love for him builds me up, only to be taken down again.
I keep waiting for that big romantic gesture
I keep thinking I can be the woman that will change his life forever.

But I won’t be, cause he won’t let me.
I will just be another woman who wanted to save him,
another woman that did not succeed,
and somehow only left him more miserable inside.

it devastates me, it destroys me,
loving him is the hardest thing I did,
and yet I can’t imagine it being different.
I am longing for air, knowing I can’t breathe.

 

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Struggle

Two sides

She was a happy girl.
A heart full of love and friends,
A head filled with many plans.
Ready to rule the world .

Now she is just a shadow.
Sitting in dark alone.
Insides are just made of stone.
Not looking forward to tomorrow.

Tomorrow she might be fun again,
but everyone will ask where she was.
They might already know the cause,
But one thing they will never understand.

That girl being so enthusiastic,
she does often feel bliss in her heart,
but she is also the other part,
that everyone finds less fantastic.

Especially cause eventually they will always know.
the deep dark days in this girls mind,
the constant love she is trying to find.
Her scars, they will always show.

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Heartbreak

I want out

I want out, is what I wanted to say to you
But to even think that, hurts.
I don’t want to be without you,
but I can’t stand not being in control.

I can’t handle it well, how my magic does not work,
I wish you were in as deeply as little old me
so you could see and feel the horror,
the constant thinking about the other.

it’s like I totally lost myself cause you came around,
my heart is just lying there like a lost and found.
you picked it up, not sure if you wanted it,
and now I am stuck with you, kid.

if I could take a pill and forget about you
I probably would
thought the hopeless romantic in me, wouldn’t have understood.
the love I feel for you is amazing in many ways,
but it is tearing me down, fucking me up at the same time.

it’s like two people are pulling on me, one of them wanting me to stop,
yelling at me bout how stupid I am
that you don’t love me, not even close,
and that you probably fuck some other hoes.

and then there is the other person pulling me,
full of love, being angry with me for even thinking about an out.
making me feel butterflies and warmth,
taking my breath away when I look at you.

and I am in the midst not handling things well.
jumping from an ecstatically happy state
into a constant stream of nothingness and depression.
I don’t think you understand what is really here.

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Heartbreak

The whispers

No matter how official things get,
there will always be the whispers.
Those little things we do not say,
Sometimes thats bad, sometimes okay.

When you leave me in the morning,
And I close the door behind you.
Softly I would whisper:
Silly dude, I love you.

No matter how serious we are,
there will always be the whispers.
Things we do not speak about,
Things we don’t dare to say out loud.

Anytime I send you a little heart,
It is not just because I want attention.
It’s because I got your back.
Even after the friendzone.

No matter how long we’ll be together,
There will always be the whispers.
Stuff I tell my friends about you,
how I tell them this love feels so true.

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