You make me feel so good,
so woman, so me, so loved.
You say the right things,
to my friends, to me, to my heart.
You are everything I have ever wanted,
your body, your soul, your mind.
I expect to love you forever,
my love is real, true, and definitely not blind.
You are so amazing,
yet you don’t even know.
Whenever I look at you,
I get anxiety,
Cause you will walk out that door.
You will walk out that door,
whenever you’ll know,
how I feel about you,
As I love you so.
It’s not the standard stuff that makes me love you,
It’s just looking at you.
Seeing your beauty, your ambition,
and your drive to make things right,
You’re such a strong person, with so much fight.
It’s amazing to me, how you offer so much love,
Even though you have missed out on that,
How you behave, how you act, how you carry yourself,
though you haven’t had a great example.
How do you do that, so amazingly,
Everytime it impresses me.
I love you, but there is so much more.
I appreciate you, as the person you are.
Makes me want to be around you all the time,
I feel complete when you are here.
In just a few weeks you have become so dear.
You are so dear to me, sometimes I struggle,
Sometimes I want everything to just freeze,
To give me a bit more time to take it all in,
To allow for my brain to not go for that weird spin,
But to know how to make you feel loved.
Love is all that you deserve,
Just love, hugs, and kisses.
I wish all the best for you,
And I would love to give it,
But if not, at least I had the freeze,
So I can go back to this moment and relive it.
The lights are off,
I am alone,
In my room, it’s dark.
Just like my thoughts.
These are things I think whenever you are not here.
Maybe because you are not here.
Things that make my heart stop,
Nearly at least, as I am still here.
My eyes can’t stop tearing up,
Selftorture that no one gets to see
As I sit here, alone.
With my thoughts, dark.
Hurting yourself with a knife
Might be something odd,
But nearly killing yourself by simply thinking,
That really is something else.
It’s great to have this though,
A little safe space,
Just to have thoughts,
That no one gets to see.
No matter where you are,
No matter if you are with me.
(2004)
You tell me things about your past,
I am unsure,
should I appreciate you for opening up,
or should I worry about the contents of it.
I know you were bad news,
I knew it right when I saw you.
Yet there was something about you,
That made me try it anyway.
Was it really something about you?
Might as well been all about me.
Always searching for this odd confirmation,
from people I do not even know.
You nearly fucked me today,
Right on top of me, after an awesome date,
I saw that fire in your eyes,
but I also noticed your hands feeling a bit too familiar.
I knew you were a bad boy,
but I couldn’t expect you to be a playboy.
I am too insecure for this,
the demons aren’t yelling at me just for fun.
So there you are, grabbing me, pulling me towards you,
Those passionate kisses I can definitely get used to,
But those hands on private places,
They will always bring me back.
When things go too fast, too easy,
your routine does not work for me.
I can see right through you,
but yet I don’t know what to do.
So mister bad news,
I see what you are doing here,
You forgot I am a journalist,
And now I have questions.
I wonder so much about the answer,
No stone will be left unturned.
Have I been right about you all along,
or will you surprise me by not doing me wrong?
Let me in
cause here I stand
in front of your door
that I never saw before
I am asking
may I enter
I won’t take over your empire,
I am just a vampire.
Thirsty, so thirsty,
I need a fix,
Something to make me feel,
Just a little kiss to steal.
I won’t be long,
Don’t need much time,
Just give me a little peek,
Is all I ask, tongue in cheek.
You want me there,
I know you do,
You enjoy every minute,
of me feeling stupid.
So you keep me out,
thinking that’s for me,
Let’s be real now, hon,
We aren’t done.
I long for it,
Filling the void
Quenching my thirst
Getting there first.
I used to know you,
just a little, not too much
We’d hang out,
and casually stayed in touch..
Something I couldn’t do at the time.
I wanted someone just for me.
But now I realize that this is something
we could never be.
You are lovely.
I tend to forget.
Cause you are vague.
And just a friend.
Just another dude in my life
A friend with a benefit,
Someone to just Netflix and chill,
Someone to casually be with.
I used to think I could not do it
But I used to think you were odd,
Now I have never been more ready,
Though I still like you, a lot.
I do not need you as the only one,
But I do need some acknowledgement,
We are nothing, but we are special,
Somehow you are not just a friend.
You can’t be, cause you are beautiful,
When I look at you, I feel like a lioness,
Your beautiful face looking up at me,
Your hands that simply know how to caress.
There is so much love between us,
And yet there is nothing at all,
Not knowing where this is headed,
but both prepared to take the fall.
I do not want to obsess over you
My mind keeps wondering
but I don’t want it to
I don’t like that pondering.
I should not want to want you
But one look and I am lost
I forget how to speak, what to do,
I forget the actual cost
The cost of my thoughts fading away
Turning into longing for this thing
You the hunter, I am your prey,
Dear brain, it’s just a fling.
I do not wish for this wanting anymore,
Wanting something you can’t give
But here we are, on the floor,
My body happy, my brain combative.
It’s always been push and pull,
A constant battle of attention,
Me ending up the fool
Mistaking things for affection.
You are so sweet, yet so strange
So outspoken and yet so quiet
This is where I derange,
Cause I can’t seem to keep it light.
Next time, please do not look at me,
With your dark eyes, luring me in,
When our eyes meet I can’t see,
That it’s you kicking me in the shin.
Stay away from me with your hand,
Please don’t make me feel your touch,
Cause it will spark me right back to no mans land,
And I am going to want too much.
Always looking, thinking its there,
This sense of being loved,
And yet never really believing it,
Which is so unfair.
It is not just unfair to me,
as I need to keep looking,
doing my best, giving my all,
not really letting other people be.
I ask so much, the cup is never full,
Do you think you can keep up?
No matter how much you will push,
Here I am, ready to pull.
Many have tried before you, dear,
Tried to make me feel the love,
Giving me all the attention I’d ask for,
But I can’t let go of this fear.
It seems impossible to give myself away,
just as impossible as it is to connect,
No matter how perfect you may be,
Somehow I can never stay.
I wish I could dust this off my shoulder,
As it is as impossible to you as it is to me,
Always needing other people,
Without them swiftly growing colder.
I should let my self love blossom,
like a pretty flower within,
but I can’t even create a seed,
nothing to pour this water on.
I am working on it, I know,
I need it for me, but mostly for you,
Can’t be treating people like this no more,
But what if it will never grow?
It’s thunder season,
The hot days end with rain pouring,
Couldn’t be more accurate,
as you will be gone in the morning.
People always say:
aren’t you afraid of the thunder?
Not the weather my friend,
it’s my brain going under.
Like the headache that pops up,
whenever there is lightning ahead,
I can predict my emotions,
I know that I am gonna be bad.
I am going to be a sad woman,
curled up in her little room,
not knowing what to do with these emotions,
getting overwhelmed by doom.
I am uncomfortably unable,
to deal with the thunder within me,
I know it is coming,
yet I don’t know how to deal.
Knowing is the first step to getting better,
Pretty words that mean nothing to me now,
Cause I am close to the end of the line,
about to jump and drown.
I thought I was talking to your sister,
when I told her in a chatroom that I was struggling,
but yet, it was you,
making me block this amazing friend out of my life.
I thought I was going out,
when I was cycling to my favorite pub
But there it was, your car, following me,
And my friend felt unsafe.
And there were were, arrived at the pub,
A bit taken aback by what just happened,
When the alcohol started to work,
You suddenly popped up.
May be it were the drugs in your brain,
a dangerous cocktail to go with a bad mental state,
But as you stood there, I hardly recognized you,
And I had just seen you a week before.
You haunted me like this for a long time,
Constantly calling, I couldn’t even use my phone,
And bothering my parents,
when phoning in the middle of the night at my home.
Just chasing me around, ruining friendships,
it was not quite enough for you.
If you couldn’t have me, no one could,
is what you must have thought when driving up to my home that night
As you parked your car I had to chase my date away,
A boy who had nothing to do with you, with this situation,
I let him leave though the garden,
cause I was afraid of what you might do.
Cause it wasn’t just you bothering me,
you certainly knew how to drag everyone down,
and you did not keep things friendly,
when you said you would end my life.
Your behavior has stayed with me,
Even when I moved away to a different city,
When I started my new life,
The trauma of you stuck by me.
That is no living, no freedom,
it is something future boyfriends had to deal with,
Even close friends have had to cope with this part of me,
as I find it hard to trust.
I should not be scared when an anonymous phone number pops up on my screen,
I should not feel bad about people lovingly trying to surprise me,
I should not have to feel afraid for someone to know my last name,
but after all those years you still haunt me.
It seems to get worse when I talk about it more,
Will it ever go away?
Sometimes I wonder if this is what you intended,
tainting my life, haunting my mind, forever.
borderlinepoetry.com 