Struggle

The divide

A big square made of red stones

A man dressed in 17th century clothing

The bronze shining in the sunlight

Police force around him all night.

It’s Jan Pieterszoon Coen

A true hero, making many of us rich.

A man who knew whites reigned supreme

A man who made sure of it, to the extreme.

The red stones might reference other executions,

One of the biggest executioners of the century is right there.

Being honored by many people in the city of Hoorn

While envoking trauma upon many people who still mourn.

Surrounded by the beautiful buildings he has helped build,

Jan Pieterszoon Coen is standing there.

Fierce, with his pointy nose so high in the air.

And his favorite catchphrase: ‘Don’t despair’.

That’s ironic, as there is so much to feel hopeless about.

The divide has never been greater

While the voices have never been louder.

People hurting each other and it only gets cloudier.

Can’t those buildings be enough?

Can’t history be enough?

Can’t the feelings of other people be enough?

Cause I have had enough.

He does not belong on a pedestal,

You do not belong to my pedestal.

If you just want to see the hero within,

No one will ever win.

No one will ever feel completely understood,

Just because you keep saying he did good.

A man who was an outspoken white supremacist

A man who didnt feel sorry for killing thousands on his list.

And here you are, defending him.

Feeling sad being called a racist yourself.

I feel sorry about that too.

Cause dear friend, you haven’t got a clue.

Struggle

Remember

Not having expectations

It’s a blessing, but a curse

Nothing to be build up

Nothing to be torn down

Not having expectations

It’s easy to do

When you can’t remember

The history of us two

It’s a trap, and there I go again

Forgetting what I shouldve learned

Leaving that complicated stone

Safely unturned.

Its dumb, that’s what it is

It feels like freedom

No history, no judgement

No expectations, no let-downs

But the biggest let-down will always be me

Letting others down, letting myself down

For simply failing to remember

Like I don’t care, like I don’t learn

I wish I remembered all those times

You looked at me, with admiration

I wish I somehow felt it

And could feel it again

I wish I remembered the feeling

Of you caressing my hand

And the love you must have sent

So my cold body could be warmed

Most of all I wish I remembered

The words you said to me

Understanding what you meant by them

Cause now they are all gone.

Somehow I can’t get them back

They are lost forever.

I refuse to be just as lost.

Cause I want to be better.

So for now I’ll try to learn each day

While focussing on not letting things get away

Even though my brain enjoys shutting down

I will no longer wear this as an almighty crown.

Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

Therapy

Shedding tears

We had just met.

Not even in person.

Simply online.

All of us, screens.

And yet you were there.

Crying.

Were we a group?

Did we already bond?

How did you do it?

Shedding a tear in front

of everybody.

Opening up.

I sat there and watched.

as you were getting upset.

People listening to you.

For a second there.

Your pain came through so pure.

I felt it.

Of course I knew.

this wouldn’t last.

like no feeling ever would.

I sat there, robotic.

Looking at it.

While turning into stone.

In a play.

Who wants to be the stone.

Who wants to bore others.

By merely existing in the room.

A mechanism so strong.

I couldn’t feel it.

So I just sat there.

Observing.

Admiring you for your strength.

Daring to open up.

To complete strangers.

Who soon should be allies.

I do not want to lose myself.

But change is needed.

Facing the facts.

Or better yet: letting them go.

So I can focus.

And eventually feel, like her.

Therapy

Introduction

We all did this for ourselves

We had waited for half a year

And now the time had come

To show our weaknesses and fear.

No one was the same

and yet there was togetherness

people wanting to come together

though that was impossible in the flesh.

It took a while to get us there

It was scary, seeing the others,

We were so different, all of us,

Some workaholics, quiet types and mothers.

We all had taken a lot of steps to get here,

even though this was just the start,

All of us felt the necessity,

And the hole in our heart.

It is going to be a bumpy road,

one with many trials and tribulations,

one that will hopefully help these women,

as long as they have the patience.

Struggle

Not my part

In my life I got to play,
my fair share of roles,
Whatever someone needed,
I tried to be that or something close.

Now that I am being myself,
a little bit more, day by day,
there is something I can’t seem to shake,
there is a role I cannot play.

There is something I cannot do for you,
You need it so bad and I know,
I want to be there, make you feel good,
but at the moment you are too low.

It is so hard cause I want to pick you up,
Make you feel high,
See you as the amazing girl you are,
Knowing that I can’t makes me want to cry.

Please know I’ll do everything in my power,
To make you feel like the special girl you are,
I wish you the world,
And I feel so strongly that you will get far.

If I can help you get there,
It would be my honor,
I wish you would not worry so much,
I wish you didn’t have to bother.

I am standing on the sideline,
I want to take the pain away,
Do anything to make you feel better
Even leave if you need someone else to stay,

You deserve so much more than,
what this world has to offer,
I just wish the world would hand it to you,
so you did not have to suffer.

Struggle

Faith?

Well, I guess it would be nice
If you would stop popping up
You don’t even know,
But you’re still in my head, just stop.

I know not everybody has got a body like you,
One that will push itself against someone else,
A person saying no, crying.
While you knew exactly how she felt.

But I gotta think twice,
Cause I can’t seem to get over this,
And the way you handled it,
And the things about you I still miss.

I know all the games you play,
Cause now I gotta play them too.
I must become someone else,
To free my brain from those parts of you.

I need some time off from that emotion,
Just so I can actually feel again,
Start being real again,
Start having healthy relationships with men.

Time to pick my heart up off the floor,
To take back what is mine,
Which has been yours for too long,
To honestly say I’m fine.

I gotta have faith,
That I can do it all by myself,
I might need some help from others,
But not you, that’d be bad for my health.

I gotta have faith,
Cause my river has become an ocean,
Not made for crushing you,
But for crushing what happened then.

I gotta have faith,
That I can free myself from the memory,
Reprogram my brain with some help,
And make for a much better story.

Struggle

Whole

Sometimes I feel I left a piece of me inside you.
I didn’t leave it there because I wanted to.
Not sure it was on purpose at all.
All I know is there is this part of me, you carry with you.

You probably don’t even know it’s there.
There might never be a day you’ll think of it, discover it.
All I know is it is stuck with you,
And it is lost in me.

I left a piece of who I am,
A small bit of how I feel.
A fragment of my identity.
so many emotions, there are there.

They live in a place I’ll never reach.
And they are missing, I feel it.
I feel them not being there.
they were lost along the way.

I miss her. I miss that girl when she still was a whole.
I long for her to be back one day,
So I can feel again, breathe again.
Live again, with all the colors other people see.

I don’t get to see them now.
And you might be using them
Using them to live your life in full HD,
as you should.

It’s so easy to be reminded of them
cause they are so alive
they flutter like a thousand butterflies
with wings cutting me as they left.

Sometimes I’ll think about it
What if we were friends again.
How much I miss not only that part of me,
But also that past of us.

I know its gone, and in your case forgotten,
But I think about it often, as my mind will remind me.
Remind me of all these feelings, vibrating to get out,
To leave you and come back to me. To wonder and finally be free.

Heartbreak

Undeserved

You came home, happy to see me.

I looked at you, not happy to be me.

Cause I knew what I had to do,

And I was about to lose you.

Even when I spoke the words out loud,

There was still a shadow of a doubt,

You did not deserve this treatment,

of being made redundant.

Together with the words, tears started to pour,

As this hurted us both, straight to the core.

You did not respond the way I expected,

You made sure my feelings weren’t neglected.

You started to comfort me,

probably not having to deal with yourself, I see.

As tears rolled down your chin,

I felt like washing myself from sin.

The relief I felt about tell you,

Was expected, but not fully true.

I felt the pain more than I’d imagined,

and you took it better than I had reckoned.

Now it is upto the hands of time,

To see if somewhow you are still mine,

Not just my own, but someone close,

That is what I’d love the most.

I am not in any position to have any say,

I know that I fucked that up that day.

I just hope you will be a happy man,

with or without me holding your hand.

Heartbreak

Not reliable

“Finally”, you sighed,

“everything is back to normal again”,

It had indeed been hectic,

But that is basically my life, my friend.

You wanted something to hold on to tightly,

Something to trust,

But I was checking out quietly.

Realizing what was my curse.

I can’t be stable, it’s just not me,

When I get stuck,

when I feel stuck,

All I want is to be free.

I am not treating you right by wanting this,

I know I am not, I know,

But this big old hole, it’s still in my heart,

cause there’s something I miss.

Something that will make me incomplete,

something that should have been there,

Maybe it’s unmendable,

Maybe it makes me obsolete.

It is hard to make this so much about my feelings,

Cause it will affect you,

Just like it will affect anyone around me,

And how to handle it, I have no clue.