Struggle

Faith?

Well, I guess it would be nice
If you would stop popping up
You don’t even know,
But you’re still in my head, just stop.

 

I know not everybody has got a body like you,
One that will push itself against someone else,
A person saying no, crying.
While you knew exactly how she felt.

 

But I gotta think twice,
Cause I can’t seem to get over this,
And the way you handled it,
And the things about you I still miss.

 

I know all the games you play,
Cause now I gotta play them too.
I must become someone else,
To free my brain from those parts of you.

 

I need some time off from that emotion,
Just so I can actually feel again,
Start being real again,
Start having healthy relationships with men.

 

Time to pick my heart up off the floor,
To take back what is mine,
Which has been yours for too long,
To honestly say I’m fine.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can do it all by myself,
I might need some help from others,
But not you, that’d be bad for my health.

 

I gotta have faith,
Cause my river has become an ocean,
Not made for crushing you,
But for crushing what happened then.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can free myself from the memory,
Reprogram my brain with some help,
And make for a much better story.

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Struggle

Whole

Sometimes I feel I left a piece of me inside you.
I didn’t leave it there because I wanted to.
Not sure it was on purpose at all.
All I know is there is this part of me, you carry with you.

You probably don’t even know it’s there.
There might never be a day you’ll think of it, discover it.
All I know is it is stuck with you,
And it is lost in me.

I left a piece of who I am,
A small bit of how I feel.
A fragment of my identity.
so many emotions, there are there.

They live in a place I’ll never reach.
And they are missing, I feel it.
I feel them not being there.
they were lost along the way.

I miss her. I miss that girl when she still was a whole.
I long for her to be back one day,
So I can feel again, breathe again.
Live again, with all the colors other people see.

I don’t get to see them now.
And you might be using them
Using them to live your life in full HD,
as you should.

It’s so easy to be reminded of them
cause they are so alive
they flutter like a thousand butterflies
with wings cutting me as they left.

Sometimes I’ll think about it
What if we were friends again.
How much I miss not only that part of me,
But also that past of us.

I know its gone, and in your case forgotten,
But I think about it often, as my mind will remind me.
Remind me of all these feelings, vibrating to get out,
To leave you and come back to me. To wonder and finally be free.

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Heartbreak

Undeserved

You came home, happy to see me.

I looked at you, not happy to be me.

Cause I knew what I had to do,

And I was about to lose you.

 

Even when I spoke the words out loud,

There was still a shadow of a doubt,

You did not deserve this treatment,

of being made redundant.

 

Together with the words, tears started to pour,

As this hurted us both, straight to the core.

You did not respond the way I expected,

You made sure my feelings weren’t neglected.

 

You started to comfort me,

probably not having to deal with yourself, I see.

As tears rolled down your chin,

I felt like washing myself from sin.

 

The relief I felt about tell you,

Was expected, but not fully true.

I felt the pain more than I’d imagined,

and you took it better than I had reckoned.

 

Now it is upto the hands of time,

To see if somewhow you are still mine,

Not just my own, but someone close, 

That is what I’d love the most.

 

I am not in any position to have any say,

I know that I fucked that up that day.

I just hope you will be a happy man,

with or without me holding your hand.

 

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Heartbreak

Not reliable

“Finally”, you sighed,

“everything is back to normal again”,

It had indeed been hectic,

But that is basically my life, my friend.

 

You wanted something to hold on to tightly,

Something to trust,

But I was checking out quietly.

Realizing what was my curse.

 

I can’t be stable, it’s just not me,

When I get stuck,

when I feel stuck,

All I want is to be free.

 

I am not treating you right by wanting this,

I know I am not, I know,

But this big old hole, it’s still in my heart,

cause there’s something I miss.

 

Something that will make me incomplete,

something that should have been there,

Maybe it’s unmendable,

Maybe it makes me obsolete.

 

It is hard to make this so much about my feelings,

Cause it will affect you,

Just like it will affect anyone around me,

And how to handle it, I have no clue.

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Sexy stuff

Choke

Your hands are tied around my neck,

The air has no way to go.

I enjoy it, but yet I am scared,

Do I care if you go too far?

 

You apply a little more pressure, just a bit,

I feel like I am high,

But at the same time so done with it.

Is this everything I am to you?

 

Am I just a little plaything,

a person to experiment on,

a mind to put to the test,

or do you understand what I am coming from?

 

Do you know why I love your hands around my neck?

Why I like you being unpredictable, taking things too far?

Are you aware I am addicted to the feeling,

of you and me being in this war?

 

This constant battle of push and pull,

this chokehold that is cutting my heart in two,

bound to love those fingers around my throat,

while secretly desiring us to be through.

 

You are the best that has happened to me,

But the worst too,

You are the most dangerous thing I’ve ever encountered,

At at the same time you are perfect to me, you.

 

You are a dance with the devil,

but the feeling is so divine,

My feelings are kept in the dark,

but they shine through at the same time.

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Heartbreak

Everything and nothing

You have my all,

and yet we are nothing.

I constantly have you on my mind,

and yet you aren’t here, sweet thing.

 

I should be concerned, cause this is not real,

I should be somewhere else with my mind,

But yet it wonders off, all the time.

To a place that is pretty hard to find.

 

I am just here, all alone,

even when surrounded by people, all of my friends,

people important to me,

But here I am, small, no defense.

 

I keep on crawling back, back into myself,

At the same time not daring to really look at me,

To really feel the things I am supposed to feel,

I am afraid of the things I’ll see.

 

You are my everything, yet I am nothing to you,

I am your one true love, yet I have been lonely.

You have this amazing mind, but at the same time it seems to be blind,

you hold my heart in a chokehold, while also telling it to be free.

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Struggle

Little lamb

Big eyes, looking at me,

expecting the world,

blinded by butterflies,

you are done being free.

 

I indulge myself in your love,

Addicted by your attention,

Knowing I’m doing you wrong,

But I can’t get enough.

 

You are like a lamb, so innocent,

cute and sweet,

Yet your way to the slaughterhouse.

I am not your friend.

 

I am taking you to this place of death,

I should be nothing to you,

Yet you keep looking at me, filled with love,

And to me that’s crystal meth.

 

A toxic affair, in love you fell,

You should not have cause I hold your leash,

Cant you tell I walk you to the butcher,

Frustrated with you, the urge to yell.

 

Break free and run through the woods,

Leave while you still can,

I am about to eat you alive,

and I am just damaged goods.

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Heartbreak

Cold and empty

You seem distracted,

Somethings definitely off,

I feel a tension arise within me,

the emptiness, the lack of love.

 

I can be pretty sensitive too, you know,

When it has started, it is done,

I noticed you stopped reaching,

and I can’t seem to overcome,

 

You mean way too much to me,
You have my heart in total control,

but on the other side there’s you,

your silence crushes my soul.

 

The warmth I feel for you,

it starts to fade away,

the cold is setting in,

I wish you’d just stay.

 

I haven’t even spoken to you,

but I know something is wrong,

I am counting the seconds until the end,

afraid of that moment you’ll be gone.

 

I am not sure if I can handle this,

this cold is just a little too familiar,

I can’t believe I am at this point again,

how could I’ve let things gone this far?

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Struggle

So close now

It started off as this thing,

we did just for fun,

but what I did not know then

is how things had only just begun.

 

You said there were no butterflies,
and I wasn’t sure if I should care,
my heart has been broken into a million pieces,

and then you were there.

 

Our start might have been a bit rocky,

though we were always good,

there were so many question marks,

until we both understood.

 

Two people that want to be together,

should just follow their hearts,

even if there is just mutual adoration,

and not some true love in the cards.

 

Now we have been together for a few months,

and we are growing closer, it shows,

even people around us notice our relationship,

as we stand together through highs and lows.

 

This will not be forever,

And you will find bigger love for certain,

until that time I will be here,

enjoying every moment, til destiny closes the curtain.

 

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Happiness

Not to be taken lightly

I screwed things up.

I really did, didn’t I?

You were so open to me.

And yet I chose to lie.

Never ever have I regretted,

Anything I ever did.

As much as I do now.

Cause you did not deserve it.

I was so scared to lose you.

And then I made things worse.

It may sound easy.

But it is nothing but a curse.

Cause it might seem

Like I have moved on

But you weigh heavy on my heart

Since you’ve been gone.

Not a day goes by that

You haven’t crossed my mind

And I can only think of the hurt

To your heart, while it was so kind.

We haven’t talked in so long

And we probably never will.

Not because I don’t want to,

But because I should keep still.

You will think that it means

That I do not care at all,

But it is quite the opposite,

And now I am taking the fall.

You do not need me in your life.

I do not want to interfere

And you wouldn’t believe me anyway,

Cause of the pain I caused someone so dear.

I made my bed and now

I will have to lay in it,

Ashamed for taking you down,

And endlessly sorry for the wrong I did.

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