Heartbreak

Not a good night

Why I am so stupid, loving a person that does not want my love.
Why am I addicted to pain so much, that I would even take it to the level of sorrow?
The physical pain I know, that is just cutting, letting go,
but the type of pain within the soul, it’s unbearable.

When I think about him, I am not sure if it is the love or the pain that takes my breath away.
Knowing he will never feel the same way about me,
Knowing I will always long for his love, which I am never to receive.
Knowing what I have always known: the real me is not worthy.

How silly of me to fall in love with the guy that does not want to be loved,
a guy that turns my eternal, everlasting love away, the good stuff.
A man so easy to hate, and yet so easy to love.
I can’t help myself but being totally invested in him.

It kills me, slowly, but surely.
The love for him builds me up, only to be taken down again.
I keep waiting for that big romantic gesture
I keep thinking I can be the woman that will change his life forever.

But I won’t be, cause he won’t let me.
I will just be another woman who wanted to save him,
another woman that did not succeed,
and somehow only left him more miserable inside.

it devastates me, it destroys me,
loving him is the hardest thing I did,
and yet I can’t imagine it being different.
I am longing for air, knowing I can’t breathe.

Struggle

Two sides

She was a happy girl.
A heart full of love and friends,
A head filled with many plans.
Ready to rule the world .

Now she is just a shadow.
Sitting in dark alone.
Insides are just made of stone.
Not looking forward to tomorrow.

Tomorrow she might be fun again,
but everyone will ask where she was.
They might already know the cause,
But one thing they will never understand.

That girl being so enthusiastic,
she does often feel bliss in her heart,
but she is also the other part,
that everyone finds less fantastic.

Especially cause eventually they will always know.
the deep dark days in this girls mind,
the constant love she is trying to find.
Her scars, they will always show.

Heartbreak

Cut it out

I saw it coming long ago.
Feeling the tension building up,
The urge to stick it in and not let go.
Not knowing how to stop.

I know exactly why I am doing this,
As soon as I push the blade into the skin,
I feel the pressure fading away.
A lovely feeling of comfort setting in.

As I lay down, watching the red,
I know I had to do this.
But the longer I lay there on my bed,
The more I feel stupid for being this.

Being this girl I was 15 years ago.
The girl with the pentagrammed arm.
The good feeling of that blood flow,
Makes room for that feeling of regret.

As I look at my arm, scratches allover,
I feel so silly, knowing everyone will see,
I hate this post hurt hangover,
This is not who I wish to be.

They limit me to my scars,
Or my fresh wounds to be pricize,
May be it is me limiting myself,
As I am the one paying the price.

Realising this, still looking at my arm,
Feeling so stupid, so much regret,
I still hold the blade in my hand,
Wanting to cut again, yet trying to forget.

Heartbreak, Sexy stuff

Not you

Watching a movie in the dark,
We try to sit as close as we can.
I feel your skin against my skin.
while our fingers reach out to hold hands.

Your touch takes my breath away,
The darkness of the room sets the mood,
Tonight I do not want to be nice,
Tonight I do not want to be cute.

Slowly I turn my head to look at you,
You already lean in to kiss me,
I feel your warm lips on mine,
Your playful tongue makes me dizzy.

I really want to be in this moment,
I want to feel it, really feel it my heart,
But somehow my mind wanders off,
Somehow you cannot have that part.

Painful as it is it is his face that I see,
Everytime I close my eyes,
though your love makes me feel so free,
It will simply not suffice.

Heartbreak

Shut the frontdoor

Standing at my front door,
You lean in for an epic kiss,
It could have been the start of something,
But yet it is the end of this.

You give me one last look,
Your eyes spark as you say bye,
As if you know you will see me next time,
But I am not so sure, am I?

I feel so empty inside.
It’s a sense of grief.
Weighing heavy on my heart,
Everytime you leave.

And when you leave then,
I try to stay happy but I can’t.
Cause you are not my friend,
Yet you are not my man.

Is it because I pour all my love on you?
My heart just seems to run out.
And then I am just alone,
Filled with questions, filled with doubt.

And when you leave, then,
This emptiness, it’s there again,
Cause you are not my friend,
Yet you are not my man.
My struggle is not obvious to you,
I do not think you understand this.
I do not think you are interested.
that it’s always you I miss.

And when you walk out, damn,
With empty hands I stand.
Cause you are not my friend,
Yet you are not my man.

And until the next date then,
in text messages I will just pretend,
Not to care bout you not being my friend,
Not to cry bout you not being my man.

Heartbreak

How long?

Will it be days, months?
Your love will not complete me,
we will never make it,
as it will destroy and defeat me.

Will you ever say them,
those three little words,
will you ever set yourself aside,
and put me first?

I want you so much,
my heart aches,
yet you don’t feel that way,
my heart breaks,

does it matter what I say?
can I mean something to you?
or am I just convenient for now,
will you ever follow through.

It’s like the love I feel;
is devouring me from within,
it’s like the love you lack,
is an addictive thing.

Happiness

The silence within me

There are never enough hours in a day,
I am simply never through.
Work is piling up, it never stops.
But I find relaxation in you.

Nothing is ever enough,
An inbox is never really empty,
In a world of too much,
But you make me feel free.

The world keeps turning,
There’s always something new to see,
Heads keep spinning,
But you offer a piece of tranquility.

Deadlines are heavy on my shoulders,
There are mountains of paperwork to climb.
it’s not easy stepping off the daily tredmill.
But you make me forget the time.

It’s a daily fight, falling in and out of love,
Always being afraid of the day things get dull,
Looking for problems is no use though,
Cause with you everything is peaceful.

People try to break whatever is between us.
Everybody thinks they have the key.
I have decided not to care anymore,
Cause you feel like a holiday to me.

Struggle

Illusion of you

Another oldie:

I picture you in front of me,
I do that all the time.
I think about your soft lips,
And the fact that you are mine.

Then I shock myself,
I make myself feel miserable.
I realise you’re not mine.
And my illusion of you gets invisible.

Trying so hard just to get it back,
Just your face, your sweet eyes,
But it won’t work,
Cause they’re all just lies.

Lies of you, lies of me,
Stupid things that stand in between,
I gotta focus on the lovely you,
Cause that is all you have to be.

Struggle

A bad one

I just found my poetry book from one hundred years ago (or may be 15..), and I just wanted to share a few things from there. This is one of my teenager poems:

After a lot of good days,
This is a bad one.
I gotta keep strong, always.
But what to do when the strength is gone?

It’s a nasty addiction,
Keeps on asking my attention,
I wih it would be fiction,
But sometimes I only feel the tension.

This atmosphere in my body parts,
It’s strange, what is going on?
Then the aching starts,
It will just go on and on.

Until I grab my skin,
Scratch it all, till it’s gone, the pressure.
But I’d be better off if I’d begin,
Begin to keep myself together: it is the only measure.

Heartbreak

Someone else

When our eyes meet,
it’s always fireworks.
We know it’s on,
a perfect attraction.