Illusion of you

Another oldie:

I picture you in front of me,
I do that all the time.
I think about your soft lips,
And the fact that you are mine.

Then I shock myself,
I make myself feel miserable.
I realise you’re not mine.
And my illusion of you gets invisible.

Trying so hard just to get it back,
Just your face, your sweet eyes,
But it won’t work,
Cause they’re all just lies.

Lies of you, lies of me,
Stupid things that stand in between,
I gotta focus on the lovely you,
Cause that is all you have to be.

A bad one

I just found my poetry book from one hundred years ago (or may be 15..), and I just wanted to share a few things from there. This is one of my teenager poems:

After a lot of good days,
This is a bad one.
I gotta keep strong, always.
But what to do when the strength is gone?

It’s a nasty addiction,
Keeps on asking my attention,
I wih it would be fiction,
But sometimes I only feel the tension.

This atmosphere in my body parts,
It’s strange, what is going on?
Then the aching starts,
It will just go on and on.

Until I grab my skin,
Scratch it all, till it’s gone, the pressure.
But I’d be better off if I’d begin,
Begin to keep myself together: it is the only measure.

Someone else

When our eyes meet,
it’s always fireworks.
We know it’s on,
a perfect attraction.

I wish I had this,
with someone else.

When you put your arms
around my waist,
Automatically I lean in,
For a kiss that makes me want to sin.

I wish I had this,
with someone else.

When we are done,
We lay down together,
I realise how much I care.
Oxitocine everywhere.

I wish I had this,
with someone else.

We can talk for hours,
you showing interest in me,
Me listening to what you did,
It’s lovely, we are so connected.

I wish I had this,
with someone else.

There is always this moment,
When I realise, looking at you,
that I am more invested in this,
while for you it’s just a kiss.

I wish I had this,
with someone else.

You will never truly love me,
even though so much love is shared.
What we have is nearly perfect,
but at the same time it’s bad.

I wish I had this,
with someone else.

I wish I had this,
with someone else, handsome
but somehow I can only love you.
Even knowing this can’t be true.

I’ll be okay

You stare at me with your big eyes,
I can see the pain and frustration.
I know you are trying to understand,
But stop seeing me as your patient.

Everytime you see the scars,
I see you watching the marks,
I feel you overthinking,
Hoping I’ll show you my cards.

You never seem to realise,
I am not able to share this with you,
Not because I do not want to,
But because there is nothing you can do.

Everytime we do this,
I will tell you I’ll be okay,
But I am starting to wonder,
Do I say it for you or for me?

At first I believed myself,
I thought this was just a phase.
I really had this scenario in mind,
That I could leave this behind.

These last few weeks have been different,
I notice myself saying I’ll be fine,
Not trying to comfort the people I love,
But just trying to convince this heart of mine.

While the truth of the matter is,
I am not sure if I will be okay.
So scared for the future,
I am nervous for a new day.

Deserving

It’s easy but not true to say
you don’t deserve my love,
You do, you are amazing,
you are kind and sweet.

It’s not easy but true to say
I cannot receive your love.
I am just not it for you,
you are not able to love me.

Or so you say,
Cause I hear you and
I will say that I understand,
deep down I refuse to believe it.

I can’t imagine Cupid shooting
so badly, he’s been doing it for years.
I want to think that it is just you,
not being able to get rid of your fears.

Silly, I know, I am a girl
looking for love in the wrong places,
Ending up with people,
that had so many faces.

Often I get so tired of that,
not being able to expect realness,
always needing to be planning
planning for the worst.

This worst I could not have been planning though,
I would never expect it to go down this way,
And together we are in such a nice flow,
I can’t believe we are not okay.

Crashing on you

I have wanted this for so long,
That I can only be terrified.
How can love feel so wrong,
And yet you and me together are so right.

I am not just falling for you,
going way to quick,
I come crashing down, boo
Thinking way too big.

I just want to be casual about it,
I just want to enjoy your company,
we are such a great fit,
Why do I always have to worry?
I pictured our end,
before we even began,
First you were just a friend,
And now you are kinda my man.

You are my man, but yet you’re not mine,
And here I am, just being all yours.
Honestly I am not fine,
Ever since I met you I am lost.

I sigh, cause of the butterflies,
and I sigh because of the trouble I foresee,
I wish it was just clear skies,
I wish you weren’t everything to me.