Struggle, Therapy

Infected

That bug in my head.

It suddenly bites me,

And just like that nothing

seems real anymore.

 

It hurts my heart

cause my mind plays tricks

Downgrading my relationships

making me feel so insecure.

 

Everything is forever ending

A realization that often comes,

when infected by that insect,

crawling through my throughts.

 

I know that knowing that it happens

might be part of the solution

but right this second

it only adds to the confusion.

 

Consciously incompetent,

is what a therapist would say

Sounds so easy,

but feels so heavy.

 

I am not sure I know how to get out of it

Out of these thoughts,

Out of this hurt,

without needing others.

 

Always searching for that confirmation,

just a few words on a phone,

That sparkle of attention,

without it, it’s just me, alone.

 

I get this way so much more often now,

I guess I am working towards something big,

So afraid to lose a friend in the process.

So afraid to lose myself in the process.

 

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Therapy

Shedding tears

We had just met.

Not even in person.

Simply online.

All of us, screens.

And yet you were there.

Crying.

 

Were we a group?

Did we already bond?

How did you do it?

Shedding a tear in front

of everybody.

Opening up.

 

I sat there and watched.

as you were getting upset.

People listening to you.

For a second there.

Your pain came through so pure.

I felt it.

 

Of course I knew.

this wouldn’t last.

like no feeling ever would.

I sat there, robotic.

Looking at it.

While turning into stone.

 

In a play.

Who wants to be the stone.

Who wants to bore others.

By merely existing in the room.

A mechanism so strong.

I couldn’t feel it.

 

So I just sat there.

Observing.

Admiring you for your strength.

Daring to open up.

To complete strangers.

Who soon should be allies.

 

I do not want to lose myself.

But change is needed.

Facing the facts.

Or better yet: letting them go.

So I can focus.

And eventually feel, like her.

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Therapy

Introduction

We all did this for ourselves

We had waited for half a year

And now the time had come

To show our weaknesses and fear.

 

No one was the same

and yet there was togetherness

people wanting to come together

though that was impossible in the flesh.

 

It took a while to get us there

It was scary, seeing the others,

We were so different, all of us,

Some workaholics, quiet types and mothers.

 

We all had taken a lot of steps to get here,

even though this was just the start,

All of us felt the necessity,

And the hole in our heart.

 

It is going to be a bumpy road,

one with many trials and tribulations,

one that will hopefully help these women,

as long as they have the patience.

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Struggle

Not my part

In my life I got to play,
my fair share of roles,
Whatever someone needed,
I tried to be that or something close.

 

Now that I am being myself,
a little bit more, day by day,
there is something I can’t seem to shake,
there is a role I cannot play.

 

There is something I cannot do for you,
You need it so bad and I know,
I want to be there, make you feel good,
but at the moment you are too low.

 

It is so hard cause I want to pick you up,
Make you feel high,
See you as the amazing girl you are,
Knowing that I can’t makes me want to cry.

 

Please know I’ll do everything in my power,
To make you feel like the special girl you are,
I wish you the world,
And I feel so strongly that you will get far.

 

If I can help you get there,
It would be my honor,
I wish you would not worry so much,
I wish you didn’t have to bother.

 

I am standing on the sideline,
I want to take the pain away,
Do anything to make you feel better
Even leave if you need someone else to stay,

 

You deserve so much more than,
what this world has to offer,
I just wish the world would hand it to you,
so you did not have to suffer.

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Struggle

Faith?

Well, I guess it would be nice
If you would stop popping up
You don’t even know,
But you’re still in my head, just stop.

 

I know not everybody has got a body like you,
One that will push itself against someone else,
A person saying no, crying.
While you knew exactly how she felt.

 

But I gotta think twice,
Cause I can’t seem to get over this,
And the way you handled it,
And the things about you I still miss.

 

I know all the games you play,
Cause now I gotta play them too.
I must become someone else,
To free my brain from those parts of you.

 

I need some time off from that emotion,
Just so I can actually feel again,
Start being real again,
Start having healthy relationships with men.

 

Time to pick my heart up off the floor,
To take back what is mine,
Which has been yours for too long,
To honestly say I’m fine.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can do it all by myself,
I might need some help from others,
But not you, that’d be bad for my health.

 

I gotta have faith,
Cause my river has become an ocean,
Not made for crushing you,
But for crushing what happened then.

 

I gotta have faith,
That I can free myself from the memory,
Reprogram my brain with some help,
And make for a much better story.

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Struggle

Whole

Sometimes I feel I left a piece of me inside you.
I didn’t leave it there because I wanted to.
Not sure it was on purpose at all.
All I know is there is this part of me, you carry with you.

You probably don’t even know it’s there.
There might never be a day you’ll think of it, discover it.
All I know is it is stuck with you,
And it is lost in me.

I left a piece of who I am,
A small bit of how I feel.
A fragment of my identity.
so many emotions, there are there.

They live in a place I’ll never reach.
And they are missing, I feel it.
I feel them not being there.
they were lost along the way.

I miss her. I miss that girl when she still was a whole.
I long for her to be back one day,
So I can feel again, breathe again.
Live again, with all the colors other people see.

I don’t get to see them now.
And you might be using them
Using them to live your life in full HD,
as you should.

It’s so easy to be reminded of them
cause they are so alive
they flutter like a thousand butterflies
with wings cutting me as they left.

Sometimes I’ll think about it
What if we were friends again.
How much I miss not only that part of me,
But also that past of us.

I know its gone, and in your case forgotten,
But I think about it often, as my mind will remind me.
Remind me of all these feelings, vibrating to get out,
To leave you and come back to me. To wonder and finally be free.

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Heartbreak

Undeserved

You came home, happy to see me.

I looked at you, not happy to be me.

Cause I knew what I had to do,

And I was about to lose you.

 

Even when I spoke the words out loud,

There was still a shadow of a doubt,

You did not deserve this treatment,

of being made redundant.

 

Together with the words, tears started to pour,

As this hurted us both, straight to the core.

You did not respond the way I expected,

You made sure my feelings weren’t neglected.

 

You started to comfort me,

probably not having to deal with yourself, I see.

As tears rolled down your chin,

I felt like washing myself from sin.

 

The relief I felt about tell you,

Was expected, but not fully true.

I felt the pain more than I’d imagined,

and you took it better than I had reckoned.

 

Now it is upto the hands of time,

To see if somewhow you are still mine,

Not just my own, but someone close, 

That is what I’d love the most.

 

I am not in any position to have any say,

I know that I fucked that up that day.

I just hope you will be a happy man,

with or without me holding your hand.

 

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Heartbreak

Not reliable

“Finally”, you sighed,

“everything is back to normal again”,

It had indeed been hectic,

But that is basically my life, my friend.

 

You wanted something to hold on to tightly,

Something to trust,

But I was checking out quietly.

Realizing what was my curse.

 

I can’t be stable, it’s just not me,

When I get stuck,

when I feel stuck,

All I want is to be free.

 

I am not treating you right by wanting this,

I know I am not, I know,

But this big old hole, it’s still in my heart,

cause there’s something I miss.

 

Something that will make me incomplete,

something that should have been there,

Maybe it’s unmendable,

Maybe it makes me obsolete.

 

It is hard to make this so much about my feelings,

Cause it will affect you,

Just like it will affect anyone around me,

And how to handle it, I have no clue.

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Sexy stuff

Choke

Your hands are tied around my neck,

The air has no way to go.

I enjoy it, but yet I am scared,

Do I care if you go too far?

 

You apply a little more pressure, just a bit,

I feel like I am high,

But at the same time so done with it.

Is this everything I am to you?

 

Am I just a little plaything,

a person to experiment on,

a mind to put to the test,

or do you understand what I am coming from?

 

Do you know why I love your hands around my neck?

Why I like you being unpredictable, taking things too far?

Are you aware I am addicted to the feeling,

of you and me being in this war?

 

This constant battle of push and pull,

this chokehold that is cutting my heart in two,

bound to love those fingers around my throat,

while secretly desiring us to be through.

 

You are the best that has happened to me,

But the worst too,

You are the most dangerous thing I’ve ever encountered,

At at the same time you are perfect to me, you.

 

You are a dance with the devil,

but the feeling is so divine,

My feelings are kept in the dark,

but they shine through at the same time.

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Heartbreak

Everything and nothing

You have my all,

and yet we are nothing.

I constantly have you on my mind,

and yet you aren’t here, sweet thing.

 

I should be concerned, cause this is not real,

I should be somewhere else with my mind,

But yet it wonders off, all the time.

To a place that is pretty hard to find.

 

I am just here, all alone,

even when surrounded by people, all of my friends,

people important to me,

But here I am, small, no defense.

 

I keep on crawling back, back into myself,

At the same time not daring to really look at me,

To really feel the things I am supposed to feel,

I am afraid of the things I’ll see.

 

You are my everything, yet I am nothing to you,

I am your one true love, yet I have been lonely.

You have this amazing mind, but at the same time it seems to be blind,

you hold my heart in a chokehold, while also telling it to be free.

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